Freak Your Kids Out. Make Cookieburgers.

I make Cookieburgers for a school function every year. Every time I make them at least two kids think they’re real.

Start by unwrapping two bags of these:

You should probably eat a couple, just to make sure they're not poisonous.

You should probably eat a couple, just to make sure they’re not poisonous.

Stack them up all nice and tidy and set them aside. Now you’ll need some of these:

You are morally obligated to eat all the broken pieces. DO NOT LET THEM GO TO WASTE.

You are morally obligated to eat all the broken pieces. DO NOT LET THEM GO TO WASTE.

Buy two boxes. You don’t have to get Nilla wafers. Kroger-brand Swag Wafers work just as well. But make sure you buy two boxes of the same brand because each brand has a slightly different shape and size.

Make sure you buy two boxes of the same cookie brand. Swag cookies are totally fine - but they are a different shape than Nabisco cookies and then your Cookieburgers will be all lopsided and stupid looking. Don't do that.

And you don’t want your Cookieburgers to be all lopsided and stupid looking.

Now you need colored frosting: mustard yellow, lettuce-y green and bright tomato red. You can color your own frosting if you like, I often do. Any commercially available vanilla frosting will work. If you do that, please consider two pieces of advice from someone who has made a shit-ton of these in the past:

1. Buy an extra box of graham crackers.

2. Don’t make the red frosting.

Yeah, I know. Red frosting is easy! All you have to do is have a little patience and let it sit!

Screw that. This is supposed to be an easy project that you can do on a weeknight. Do you know how much food coloring it takes to make something look like ketchup? Enough to justify buying the pre-made red frosting. No one has time for that BS on a Wednesday.

Buy the red frosting. It's not worth making unless you already have the ingredients.

You can buy the green and the yellow too. It’s totally not cheating.

Now, are you ready for the hard part?

Bloop some red frosting on there.

Bloop some red on there.

A bloop is a standard unit of frosting measurement. Look it up.

If you are using Wilton or Dec-a-Cake you will be using their frosting tips as well. Use the round tip for this. If you bought two boxes of wafers and two bags of peppermint patties, you will use the entire tube. If you DON’T use the entire tube, go back and bloop some more on each cookie because what the hell are you going to do with 1/4 c. of leftover red frosting?

Don’t be that person. Just use it all. It’s okay. You won’t get in trouble.

If you’ve used all your red, you will be done with the round tip. Rinse that out with hot water and do the same thing you just did, only now do it in yellow.

Now bloop some yellow on there.

If you colored your own yellow frosting, stick the leftover stuff aside for later.

Now, remember those peppermint patties? Bust those out and go to town.



Next up is the fake lettuce. If you want to get fancy, you can use the leaf tip for this. (The leaf tip will look like a straight line with one side slightly wider.) If you don’t want to get fancy, just do some more blooping. It’s not going to make much of a difference.

Try to push the frosting out to the edge as much as possible.

Try to push the frosting out to the edge as much as possible.

Can you guess what’s next?

And suddenly, it looks like a hamburger.

And suddenly, it looks like a hamburger.

I recommend setting out as many cookies as you have peppermint patties before you start with the frosting. However you assemble these, you should have them all finished before you go on to the final step.



Actually, you can stop here if you like. These are fine as they are. But if you want to be a perfectionist, you can add the sesame seeds. in order to do that you will use…




Really, you can use anything you want. I use corn syrup because I have corn syrup. You could probably use agave syrup or malt syrup or whatever the hell you like. It just has to be sticky. If you use Karo syrup I recommend mixing a little bit of water in then microwaving it for about 5 seconds to thin it out.

Then use a pastry brush or even your clean fingers to dab a little bit on top of each cookieburger.

It is not rocket science. Just enough to stick the seeds on will do.

It’s not rocket science. Just enough to stick the seeds on will work.

Then, stick a few seeds on.

Most kids pick them off anyway but I usually put them on because I'm persnickety that way.

Most kids pick them off anyway but I usually put them on because I’m persnickety.

And voila! Cookieburgers.

Now watch as your kids lose their shit about how cute they are.

Now watch as your kids slowly freak out about how cute they are.

I let them sit overnight (or at least until the frosting has dried a little bit) before serving them but you don’t have to. You can stuff like, twelve of them into your mouth right now if you want. I won’t tell anyone.


Do you have leftover frosting? Did you also buy a box of graham crackers as I suggested?

Because if so, you are in LUCK.

Snap those graham crackers in half, bloop a bunch of frosting (maybe a tablespoon?) on one side of the cracker, then sandwich it together with the other half. Use as many graham crackers as you need finish up the frosting (you bought them for this very purpose). Now stack your frosting sandwiches neatly on a tray.

Once you’re done blooping and sandwiching, stick the whole tray in the freezer for at least 2 hours but longer is good. Once they’re nice and frozen you can zip them up into a bag but ours don’t really last that long. Graham cracker and frosting sandwiches are not good warm but something magical and delicious happens when they are frozen. Also, if your freezer is in the basement (as ours is) you can totally hide them from the kids.

Trust me on this.

Posted in Current Events, Food, Food Glorious Food! | 1 Comment

Make These Awesome Garden Stones Right Now.

Finished stones

My garden now has 100% more awesome.

I made these yesterday. I’ve been messing around with these gigantic molds and finally figured out a batch I really like. Here’s how I did it:

First of all you need to get these:

These are the BIG ASS versions of the medium sized ice cube trays. Links provided below.

These are the BIG ASS versions of the medium sized ice cube trays. Links provided below.

Millennium Falcon

Han Solo trapped in Carbonite

Don’t friggin’ skimp. Get them both. You have to make a huge mess anyway, why not make BOTH of them at the same time?

Then go to the Home Depot (or your local hardware store) and buy these things:

Get black Sankrete.

Get the Sakrete in black.

Now go to the Goodwill and get a few kitchen utensils you can use to mix cement. I use a turkey fork and a gigantic rubber spatula. You’re also going to need a small (1-2 gallon) bucket and a measuring cup or bowl for water.

Here is what I used, all gathered in one place:

Not pictured: Gloves!

Not pictured: Gloves!

Start by preparing your molds. To do this, steal a paintbrush from your kids. Make sure the bristles are long.

Now, brush the entire inside of each mold with the cement colorant. Like this:

You don't have to be precise. Just slap that stuff on there. Make sure you wear gloves!

You don’t have to be precise. Just slap that stuff on there. Make sure you wear gloves!

When you’re done, it should look like this:

Try to dust up the sides if you can. It doesn't always stick very well.

Try to dust up the sides if you can. It doesn’t always stick very well though so don’t worry if you can’t.

Repeat for the Han Solo mold and set them aside in a dry area. Next, grab your bucket.

In my experience, the Millennium Falcon mold holds less volume than the Han Solo mold, so I start with the Millennium Falcon first. My recipe is (roughly):

  • 3 scoops of Rapid Set concrete powder to
  • 1 1/2 cups water
  • 2 Tsp concrete color

This is not a foolproof recipe though so I go by texture instead of measuring. Scoop the concrete into your bucket first.

I'd say that's about 1 to 1.5 cups of concrete mix. Now do that three times.

I’d say that’s about 1 to 1.5 cups of concrete mix. Now do that three times.

Add the colorant.

Coloring the base cement darker grey tones the contrast down on the final product.

Coloring the base cement darker grey tones the contrast down on the final product.

Then add your water. I recommend adding it a little at a time. And keep a cup of water near you to rest your goopy utensils in later.

I only added half this measuring cup full of water. I used the rest of the water to rest my goopy turkey fork in later.

I only added half this measuring cup full of water. I used the rest of the water to hold dirty utensils.

And stir. Add more water or more concrete mix depending on consistency. You are looking for something between cake batter and ….thicker cake batter. Uh, pancake batter? Banana bread batter? No, that’s too thick. Brownie batter? Something like that but with no lumps.

The turkey fork is nice to use because it is strong enough to break up any lumps that might form. Make sure you stir well!

The turkey fork is nice to use because it is strong enough to break up any lumps that might form. Make sure you stir well!

Now, pour!

Cake batter if flour were made out of limestone? You get the idea though, right?

Cake batter if flour were made out of limestone? You get the idea though, right?

Now, if you’ve made your Millennium Falcon mold first, you probably have a little concrete leftover. So add three more scoops of cement mix, the colorant and more water and mix up another batch for the Han Solo mold. This mold will hold more volume than the Millennium Falcon so don’t worry if the second batch is larger.

After you pour each mold, tap it down to get the concrete to even out then go wash your bucket and utensils under the hose. If you don’t wash those soon, the concrete will start to set and your bucket will never be the same.

When you’re done cleaning up, tap the molds down again and let them cure over night on a level surface.  The next day the stones should be set and ready to take out of the mold.

It's not as easy as you would think.

It’s not as easy as you would think.

You will notice that the Millennium Falcon now looks like it should be part of the Empire. Clearly, that is the wrong color for the Millennium Falcon. which is why you are now going to spray it down with the hose.

The black powder doesn't come off. It seems like it should doesn't.

The black powder doesn’t come off. It seems like it should but…it doesn’t.

So now you have a soggy Millennium Falcon of the wrong color. Here is where you put on gloves. If you have big fat ones you can get wet, that would be ideal. I wear a pair of surgical gloves underneath my big fat gardening gloves because I’m persnickety that way. Whatever you do make sure they have thick palms because now you’re going to cake the whole thing with dirt.

Avoid any over-large pebbles if you can. Sand would probably work too but I have a lot of dirt so I used dirt.

Avoid any over-large pebbles if you can. Sand would probably work too but I have a lot of dirt so I used dirt.

Now, rub all that dirt into the surface of the cement. Make it muddier if you have to but make sure you get in all the little valleys because the more you work the dirt into the paint, the more texturing you will give the paint. This is where thick gloves come in handy.

You can also use the dirt to sand down any sharp edges you may have on the back.

You can also use the dirt to sand down any sharp edges you may have on the back.

Now, rinse that bad boy off and see what you got. If you’re like me, you’ll get too excited to see what it looks like and rinse it off too soon. If you need more texture, put more mud on it and texture it some more.

The left stone just came out of the mold. The right stone has been textured with mud and dried. AND IS CLEARLY MORE AWESOME.

The left stone just came out of the mold. The right stone has been textured with mud and dried-AND IS CLEARLY MORE AWESOME.

I have found that you don’t need to texture the Han Solo stone nearly as long as the Millennium Falcon. Now, put them in your yard and GO  BE AWESOME.

Han and Chewie take slugs very seriously.


I like Captain Solo where he is.

I like Captain Solo where he is.


Posted in Current Events | 6 Comments

If that’s your flashlight, you can’t have it back.

Remember when you were nine and flashlights were a commodity to be hoarded and you never lent anyone your flashlight because what if it didn’t come back?

Today on our walk to school, my son found an emergency flashlight (one of those big yellow jobbies with a handle) in the ditch. This is the same ditch which last week offered us a semi-bent scooter (gone by the time we got home) and currently holds a wheel-less skateboard. My son loves this ditch. Strangely, so does the dog.

Out of the corner of my eye I watched him walk past and dip down quickly to pick it up. Of course I saw it, the thing is bright yellow! But he kept quiet about it because he was expecting me to yell at him for picking up junk out of the ditch-like a mother is supposed to-only what he didn’t know was that the 9 year old kid inside of me was thinking OMG FREE FLASHLIGHT and I wasn’t about to tell him to put it down. So I kept quiet too.

Cut to bedtime this evening and I notice that my son is sleeping with the ditch flashlight. That’s…okay that’s kinda gross but whatever. I’m sure by now it’s been all over school and probably licked a few times so what the hell. He licks the car on a regular basis and he hasn’t gotten ill yet so what exactly should I worry about?

I did tell him not to sleep with it on so the batteries don’t wear out. At which point his eyes got huge and he smiled all crazy-like.


And that’s when I realized that he didn’t find an emergency flashlight in the ditch today; he found an industrial lantern. The damn thing has a 6V battery in it.

One of these bad boys.

This. This is the 6V battery my son now owns.

Can you imagine finding one of these as a kid? And not a dead and yucky one either – this bad boy looks brand new. I’m pretty sure that if you’re nine and you find one of these you automatically get knighted or kinged or wizarded or something.

Winner of the 2014 Flashlight Lottery

Winner of the 2014 Flashlight Lottery

God help me, I am never going to be able to get him out of that ditch now.


Posted in Current Events | 1 Comment

Cassoulet is friggen’ awesome.

So I’m trying this thing out where I actually keep up with this blog. And you can tell I’m serious because I used the word ‘blog’ and I absolutely hate that word. Also the words ‘panties’ and ‘beefcake’. I have no idea why, but I do.

However, two weeks into the new year and BLAMMO! Things are getting all viral up in this house. And by ‘viral’ I do not mean ‘everyone forwarding this blog (ugh) on to their mom’s and grannies’.

I dearly wish I meant that, but I do not.

I mean the kind of viral where you buy all the cough and cold medicine you can and hope to hell the kids sleep for another hour because if you have to get up from the couch, something is going to get yelled at. Usually, it’s the cat. But that’s only because she drools.

I don’t have much in the way of coherency these days (see: cough and cold medicine). In fact, I’m not sure what it is I’ve been writing for the last week. It might be a recipe for cassoulet. I really like cassoulet. It’s tasty. I have been told I’m rather humorous when I’m hopped up on the cold meds though and I am taking that as a compliment.



But I want to keep up with this…(ugh, really? it’s like fingernails on chalkboards)…blog. And today, I was alive enough to do some editing even though I’m sure I will have to go edit out all the parts I edited in later.

In case you don’t know (which, you may not because I’m horrible at self-promotion) I wrote a book. It’s called Double Blind and it will be available in print just as soon as we can get it there.

In the meantime, I’ve been working on the second book of the series. It’s called Wizzy Wig. I’ve posted a piece from it before which I edited out. Earlier today I came across a small bit which I can’t remember writing but I love anyway.

I think you’ll get a kick out of it so here it is for my (ferchrissake, can somebody please come up with a different word for this?) blog:

Ahead of him on the sidewalk, Jake spotted a vaguely woman-shaped person struggling to anchor herself against some sort of rocket-powered dog. It pulled her along, oblivious to the rain, the mud, the puddles and the occasional scream of “I said leave it!

As he neared the poor woman, he recognized the folds of her hood as his neighbor from across the street. She looked up at him as he walked past and he nodded. She relaxed her stance for long enough to smile.

“Oh, hey!” she said, clearly about to say more but just then, her dog had detected something nefarious in the neighbor’s lawn. The leash jerked sideways causing the woman to stumble into Jake who in turn, fell sideways into a rhododendron.

“Oh shit, sorry!” said the woman. She followed that statement closely with a slightly angrier “Oh Shit!” as the leash flew from her hands and the dog, free at least, tore across the lawn and into a laurel hedge on the far side. She shouted apologies one more time and dove after her rocket-dog.

Jake picked his grocery bag out of the rhododendron where it fell. He stuck his hand in the bag and felt around. Everything seemed to be in one piece.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said to no one and smiled. Although he felt sorry for the lady chasing down her dog, it made him feel slightly better to know that he wasn’t the only one having a crappy night.

Posted in Current Events | 4 Comments

What I know about fashion.

I am not typically known for what I wear. This is because clothing, to me, serves a purpose. That purpose is to keep me warm and reasonably dry.

My wardrobe comes in five colors: grey, blue, black brown and green and three textures: soft, kinda-wooly and waterproof. My sister considers it an abomination that my idea of fashion is generally along the lines of not wearing a short-sleeved shirt under the grey sweater that has a hole in the armpit. To be honest, anything more complicated than ‘a couple of pockets’ and I’m pretty much uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

But there is one thing I do know: socks.

I am very particular about my socks. This is because I regulate my body heat through my ankles. And as a writer, I tend to sit a lot. And then I get cold feet. And if my ankles are cold, I will not be warm all day. Of course, if my ankles are hot, the house is probably on fire.

I’ve been studying socks intently for several winters now and I feel like I’ve reached a higher level of sock understanding, a certain sock-fu if you will. I can tell you all you need to know about a pair of socks just by looking at them. Are they itchy? (Poly blends can itch.) Will they fit over your calf? (Not if they’re made by a company called “Chinese Laundry” which, I hasten to add, is about the most racist name for a sock company I’ve ever heard.) How long will they last before getting holes in them? (FOREVER if you never wear them.) Will they slip down your heel while you are wearing boots? (They make you wear those in the seventh level of hell.)

Socks are expensive. They should at least fit right. We all know that certain type of heartbreak that comes from buying a new pair of socks that don’t even fit right. With my background of cold feet and my dedication to sock-related OCD, I feel qualified enough to tell you that I have found the perfect pair of socks. These:

Ninja socks.

Ninja socks.

Sock it To Me socks was started by Carrie Atkinson-a woman who probably started out seeming like just another Portland hipster but upon further inspection, turned out to really knows her shit in the sock department. That’s why the company is still in business and growing. They make awesome socks. I mean, check this shit out:



Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Whatever. Socks that awesome must have something wrong with them. They will probably never fit right.”

Ah, but they will! I know it for a fact.

You see, I have really fat calf-muscles. I always have. That’s how my legs are built. I used to hate them because I couldn’t wear mini-skirts without looking like a goblin but then I graduated high-school. And then I started hiking – which is how I realized that even though I my legs look goofy in a mini-skirt, they can walk me up the side of a mountain like a fucking goat. If there is ever a tsunami/zombie apocalypse, I definitely got the better end of the deal.

Sock It To Me socks are well made and comfortable. But they are not indestructible. I have had to retire several pairs of ninja socks because the toes and heels wear through. This is because I wear them a LOT. Socks are transient things, put on this earth to bring us comfort for only a little while. Eventually, like teddy bears and safety blankets, they fade and get holes. And like teddy bears and security blankets, these holes are a sign of well-loved sock. Good socks go to bed every night hoping they will eventually meet this fate.

One thing to note here is that if you have large calf-muscles as I do, stay away from those with fancy designs (read: lots of different colors) near the top – they tend to have less stretchiness in the calf which is important when you consider things like blood flow to your feet. I bought the giraffe socks a few years ago and found they were a little narrower than the ninja socks. I think this is because of the increase in color changes but I am not a sock-savant and I have not actually confirmed this.

Anyway, try these socks out. Buy yourself some Derby socks. They’re wicked comfortable. Or try the ninja socks. You literally cannot go wrong with ninja socks.

They match with everything!

Posted in Current Events | 5 Comments

Cheap Thrills.

This is my dog, Thor Michaelson:

Picture credit: Fuzzy Buddys Doggy Day Care, the Best doggy day care in Shoreline.

Picture credit: Fuzzy Buddys Doggy Day Care, the Best doggy day care in Shoreline.

He is completely awesome. He has a majestic tail, a handsome profile and devil-may-care attitude. PLUS, a floppy ear. Everybody knows that some of the best dogs have floppy ears. He is an all around, good looking dog.

This is my grandmother’s dog, Suri:

This is the best picture I could get - everything else was shaking.

This is the best picture I could get – everything else was shaking.

She’s pretty sweet, I guess. But she’s not MY dog who, as we discussed earlier, is incredibly awesome. While my grandmother is in a skilled nursing facility for physical therapy, her dog is staying with us.

I’m not going to lie to you. I think my grandmother has abused this poor little doggy since the day she got her. Not physically or even verbally, but my gram never bothered to train her and because of that, Suri has no idea what the rules are. And because of that, she has no real idea of how to be a dog. She doesn’t know how to walk on a leash. She doesn’t understand going poo outside. Ferchrissake, there was a squirrel in the park yesterday and she walked around it.

I know it’s not Suri’s fault but I can’t have a dog here that doesn’t know how to be a dog. I won’t put up with begging at the table or snapping at fingers because she doesn’t want to move or eating all the cat food or putting her stinky butt all over my pillow.


So yesterday, Thor Michaelson went to day care and I spent some time teaching Suri what we expect of her when she stays here.

It went…ok. She is completely baffled by the potty training but all kinds of enthusiastic about leash training. She was delighted to accompany me in the afternoon when I walked down to pick the kids up from school. This is usually Thor’s job but like I said, he was at day care.

Because dogs are not allowed on school property, we usually wait on the lawn across the parking lot from school – about 100 feet away from where everyone gathers to pick up their kids. I stood on the lawn trying to calm Suri down from all the excitement and also because she’s terrified of large open spaces.

Across the parking lot, I saw the familiar blue-green coat of my friend Candy. I hadn’t seen Candy for a while and it occurred to me that she had no idea we were fostering my grandmother’s dog. I mean, she’s used to this handsome guy:

This is what an awesome dog looks like.

‘Sup Ladies?

And there I was with 75% less dog, in the wrong color. How confusing would that be?

The more I thought about this, the more it made me laugh. The more I laughed, the more I wanted to see her reaction – but she wouldn’t turn around!

So I texted her.

And for five magical seconds, the world was hilarious.



Posted in Current Events | 1 Comment

Soooo…This happened.

We still have a land line. I don’t know why. Our only phone is a retro-style rotary phone with a great big clunky receiver near which I constantly have to yell DO NOT PLAY WITH THAT, THAT IS OUR ACTUAL PHONE.

In the past year and a half, the only calls I have received on that phone line have been regarding Becky. I learned how to hear it over all the noise and answer it fast.

I was upstairs today and that phone rang. I flew down the stairs thinking…I don’t know what I was thinking. I was pretty flustered because I could not imagine who I needed to talk to regarding Becky.

I reached it in the third ring.

“This is Tiffany.”
“Mom? Is that you?”
“Yes Honey! Oh Goodness, are you okay?”
“Um, Mom?”
“What happened Sweetie?!? Why are you calling me from school?!”
“Well, um…You said you’d put a cookie in my lunch. But there are only graham crackers.”
“I looked and I can’t find the cookie.”
“Son? What are you supposed to be doing right now?”
“Um, Math class”

Posted in Current Events | Leave a comment

Keep it secret! Keep it safe!

Last year, I bought some of these:

Don't you just want to know what's inside?

Don’t you just want to know what’s inside?

I got them at Pier 1 Imports. Or maybe it was Cost Plus. I don’t honestly remember. All I remember is seeing it and thinking:


So I bought them for like, I don’t know, a dollar? I thought it was really cheap for what I was getting. I mean, sure they smell like Nag Champa’s dirty feet but whatevs. They were cool. I bought a pack of three and squirreled them away for The Perfect Time! 

When that would be, I didn’t know, but I knew I would know it when I knew it.

You got me?

Anyway, I realized yesterday that right time is right now. Shit is hitting fans everywhere and what this family needs, hell, what we ALL need right now, are a few more secret quests!

So I wrote this:

secret quest

Plus, I have been hungry for pancakes.

Then I hid it in the bathroom.

I’ll keep you updated.


Posted in Current Events | Leave a comment

Tonight we have POETRY NIGHT.

Instead of iPad time while her brother was in the bath, the littlest one asked me to write a poem with her. And really, when a little girl asks you sweetly if you would “please write a poem with me?” What are you going to do, walk away?

Nope. You sharpen a pencil and grab a notebook.

You would say No? You really are a heartless bastard, aren't you?

College ruled.

We had fun writing it. I am pretty sure that’s because I’ve been gone for most of the weekend and, while her brother was preoccupied, she had my entire attention for twenty minutes in a row. But, she’s also been talking about poetry a lot lately and why the hell not?

I got a verbal ok to reprint it as long as I told you all that “my daughter wrote it.”  Here is her poem:

I wished upon a shooting star
So graceful and neat, you made me cry.
They glitter upon the sky.
Whenever I leave you it makes me cry.
You make me ish you
whenever I look at you.
If I leave,
I will believe,
in a shooting star.
You glitter my eyes wherever you go.
Nighttime goes.
Nighttime passes.
If you leave I will never forget you
Winter and goes.


And then Catfish got out of the bathtub. I gave him a choice: he could have reading time by himself or he could write a poem with me. He was…less than thrilled.

To be fair, I honestly thought he would choose reading time. I guess this just goes to show you how much I know about eight-year-old boys.

You have GOT to be kidding me. It's Sunday night. You expect me to rhyme?

I don’t usually rhyme on Sundays.

I kinda feel like he didn’t really take the assignment as seriously as his sister but what do I know? Maybe this is an eight-year-old boy masterpiece.

I will let you be the judge.

A Squirrel
I am a squirrel.
I eat nuts.
I make cuts.
With my nuts.
I am a squirrel.
I am not a girl.
I sometimes hurl,
my nuts at mutts.
Posted in Current Events | Leave a comment

Snoopers be snoopin’

You know what Geocaching is?

What am I thinking? Of course you do. You’re not an idiot.

Well, a few years ago, we did lots and lots of geocaching. Of course, that was before either kid learned an impressive amount of vocabulary dedicated to the art of complaining about how much their feet/legs/arms/shoulder/back/neck and stomach hurt from having to hike up a damn hill.


I still have a few old geocaches rolling around here, all bored and lonely, waiting for some nice kid to hike out into the wilderness and hide them. Take this one, for instance:

If you're wondering where the door knob went, you aren't the only one.

All it’s hiding now is tetanus.

That is the back plate for the door knob on the door to our storage area. If you are wondering where the actual door knob went, I can’t help you. We removed it to keep certain little kiddos from shopping through the Christmas decorations and of course, it was lost thirty-seven seconds later.

Anyway, that bolt on the bottom is actually a geocache. I think it’s a pretty cleaver hiding spot. If you stick it on the pole of a street sign, no one realizes it’s not an actual bolt. Here’s how it works:

In the wilds of a city, this little bastard is almost impossible to spot.

In the wilds of a city, this little bastard is almost impossible to spot.

Because I think it’s such a cool idea, I showed my kids.

“Hey kids! You want to see something really cool?”

This was one of the stupidest things I’ve done in a while because now, every time they’re up in my room, SOMEONE has to start playing with it. Then, SOMEONE ELSE has to start whining because the first someone won’t share. So I laid the smack-down and told them both to stop playing with it or trouble will ensue.

Now they only play with it if they think I’m not looking.

Last night, as I walked past this door, my sleeve caught on the bolt and pulled it off the door. As I picked it up from the floor I got to thinking. Why is it so important to me that the kids not play with this thing? Yes, I would be sad if it got lost but wouldn’t it be worse if all this little geocache ever did was stick to the door and make my kids crazy with temptation? Shouldn’t someone be using it?

I had already laid the smack-down. And, as you all know, a parent is only as good as their word. I cannot go back and tell them now that they are allowed to play with this tiny little thing that I have so consistently yelled at them to leave alone.

But I never said that I couldn’t use it.

So that’s what I did.

Written on 1" x 2" slip of register paper.

Written on 1″ x 2″ slip of register paper.





Now, we wait...

Now, we wait…

I’ve been trying to imagine what my kids will do when they find this. Will they work together? Will the finder keep the secret all to themselves? I doubt that highly. Will they tell me they found it or simply do what the note says? Will they pretend they didn’t find it at all? I have no idea.

How about you? What if YOU found this when you were a kid?

What would you do?

Posted in Current Events, Found things, Letters, My Kids are so awesome, Shit got real, This really happened, TTYFAtH | Leave a comment