I am not typically known for what I wear. This is because clothing, to me, serves a purpose. That purpose is to keep me warm and reasonably dry.
My wardrobe comes in five colors: grey, blue, black brown and green and three textures: soft, kinda-wooly and waterproof. My sister considers it an abomination that my idea of fashion is generally along the lines of not wearing a short-sleeved shirt under the grey sweater that has a hole in the armpit. To be honest, anything more complicated than ‘a couple of pockets’ and I’m pretty much uncomfortable for the rest of the day.
But there is one thing I do know: socks.
I am very particular about my socks. This is because I regulate my body heat through my ankles. And as a writer, I tend to sit a lot. And then I get cold feet. And if my ankles are cold, I will not be warm all day. Of course, if my ankles are hot, the house is probably on fire.
I’ve been studying socks intently for several winters now and I feel like I’ve reached a higher level of sock understanding, a certain sock-fu if you will. I can tell you all you need to know about a pair of socks just by looking at them. Are they itchy? (Poly blends can itch.) Will they fit over your calf? (Not if they’re made by a company called “Chinese Laundry” which, I hasten to add, is about the most racist name for a sock company I’ve ever heard.) How long will they last before getting holes in them? (FOREVER if you never wear them.) Will they slip down your heel while you are wearing boots? (They make you wear those in the seventh level of hell.)
Socks are expensive. They should at least fit right. We all know that certain type of heartbreak that comes from buying a new pair of socks that don’t even fit right. With my background of cold feet and my dedication to sock-related OCD, I feel qualified enough to tell you that I have found the perfect pair of socks. These:
Sock it To Me socks was started by Carrie Atkinson-a woman who probably started out seeming like just another Portland hipster but upon further inspection, turned out to really knows her shit in the sock department. That’s why the company is still in business and growing. They make awesome socks. I mean, check this shit out:
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Whatever. Socks that awesome must have something wrong with them. They will probably never fit right.”
Ah, but they will! I know it for a fact.
You see, I have really fat calf-muscles. I always have. That’s how my legs are built. I used to hate them because I couldn’t wear mini-skirts without looking like a goblin but then I graduated high-school. And then I started hiking – which is how I realized that even though I my legs look goofy in a mini-skirt, they can walk me up the side of a mountain like a fucking goat. If there is ever a tsunami/zombie apocalypse, I definitely got the better end of the deal.
Sock It To Me socks are well made and comfortable. But they are not indestructible. I have had to retire several pairs of ninja socks because the toes and heels wear through. This is because I wear them a LOT. Socks are transient things, put on this earth to bring us comfort for only a little while. Eventually, like teddy bears and safety blankets, they fade and get holes. And like teddy bears and security blankets, these holes are a sign of well-loved sock. Good socks go to bed every night hoping they will eventually meet this fate.
One thing to note here is that if you have large calf-muscles as I do, stay away from those with fancy designs (read: lots of different colors) near the top – they tend to have less stretchiness in the calf which is important when you consider things like blood flow to your feet. I bought the giraffe socks a few years ago and found they were a little narrower than the ninja socks. I think this is because of the increase in color changes but I am not a sock-savant and I have not actually confirmed this.
Anyway, try these socks out. Buy yourself some Derby socks. They’re wicked comfortable. Or try the ninja socks. You literally cannot go wrong with ninja socks.
They match with everything!