snickerpants.com

Have I not told you about my father-in-law?

No? My mistake, I am so sorry.

John Leland Pitts, Hello nice to meet you. I have met your son and we are thinking of getting married, just as soon as he asks. What a lovely house you have here. You say you built it yourself? Oh now, I can’t believe that. Oh, but look at the pictures! Well I’ll be damned, you did build it yourself.

I have no experience with men such as you, John. My own father decamped early on and my step-father is not like you. He is Austrian and very respectable and he does not tell jokes like you do.

You think it may be too soon for us to have children? I am sorry for you but we are having a boy and I am sure you will get used to it.

Brian, who is outside our window? It is eleven o’clock at night and there is someone outside our window shouting what sounds like “Farm Boy!” Threaten to call the cops if they don’t leave. Oh. It’s your father. Threaten to call the cops anyway. Why the hell didn’t he just knock? He didn’t want to wake the baby? So he decided to give us a heart attack instead? I will never understand that man.

So kind of you to visit John. What’s this? A packet of pens. Oh, my mistake! A twenty year old packet of pens. Thank you John. I am sure the boy will love them but right now he is only six months old and he cannot walk, let alone draw with – ah, I should have guessed – a packet of twenty year old, permanent ink pens. How about we save these for later? You say you will get up with him in the morning so Brian and I can sleep in? Aren’t you the most wonderful person. Thank you John.

Why is the baby wrapped in a towel? Oh, I see. Well, next time you are more than welcome to come into our room even if we are peacefully sleeping, and get a fresh diaper. At the very least I humbly request that you take the soggy one off before wrapping him in a towel. Ah, but you two seem to be having a great time. Mind if I steal him away for a second to rinse off the pee? I won’t be long I promise.

Brian, there is no separating those two. We must make sure your father knows to feed him or I fear that they will whither away into nothing. Maybe we could enforce nap time after lunch? No, I thought not.

No son, Papa is not here yet, there is no need for hysterics. He will be here tomorrow. We should never have opened our mouths. Next time we give him twenty minutes notice. Now he’s never going to go to sleep. The faster you go to sleep son, the faster Papa will be here. I promise. Go to sleep. Go To Sleep. It’s past twelve, you get in bed or I will call Papa and tell him he cannot come over to play. Next time maybe we give him five minutes notice.

There will be a new addition to the family in May. I know this is hard to believe my son, but you may have to share your Papa with a sister. No, I know it is not fair but that is the way life goes sometimes. You will have to share, but perhaps not right away.

Hello John, please – Son, don’t tackle Papa like that. Sorry John but it’s the safest way. We can no longer give him advanced warning of your visits, he simply will not calm down until you arrive. But it is so wonderful to see you and, okay – bye then. We will come extract you when there is food on the table. Sagan, be nice to Papa. Don’t jump on him like you jump on your dad. We would like for him to come back to visit. And thank you John, for the paper mache skeleton. It will match the cut out pictures of dogs and all the enormous palette of Styrofoam intended for car parking.

Did you have a fun time at Meme and Papa’s house? What did you do? Swimming and hiking and fishing and earth ball and saw dust and in a boat huh? Well that sounds fine. Right now we are getting ready for dinner so you must go and put some pants on. You know the rules. I know that you get to run around in the nuddy at Papa’s house but you KNOW the rules. You are not allowed to eat dinner naked at home. Now do as I say and go put some pants on.

YOU ARE NOT AT PAPAS HOUSE, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON! I don’t care if you’re not done peeing put your pants back on! Yes, I know Papa lets you pee outside but we live in the city. Papa lives in the country. You cannot pee in the front yard at home. You must pee in the toilet. Because life is unfair, that’s why. Now put your pants back on.

Brian dear, what happened? You have to go? Go where? It’s dinner time and you are going to the hospital. Oh, I see.

It’s six in the morning, Brian can you still be at the hospital? Oh I see. Is it as bad as that? I will get the kids to school and come down there.

Hello John! No, don’t try to get up. You have some sort of bolt in your head and there are numbers that should be below twenty but keep creeping back up. I think perhaps you are pissed off that you are in a coma. Are you angry John? I would be too. Madelyn, are you angry? No, you are on the phone. I am so sorry.

It’s been three days Madelyn. Would you like for me to stay here so that you may go home for a few hours? I know you are exhausted too dear but please can you drive her? I don’t think she should drive all that way by herself. You go, I will be here.

Lady, we are separated by a thin cloth curtain and oceans of grief but that will not stop me from coming over there and thumping you upside the head if you do not shut up. How can one person talk so constantly about nothing? Do you see this man here? He is my father-in-law. He is in a coma and you are annoying the shit out of him. How much of a shrill harpy must you be to annoy the crap out of a man in a coma? Look, they even gave him earplugs so he does not have to listen to you.

John, if she wasn’t related to the man next door I swear I would go over there and at the very least, verbally abuse that woman. Perhaps she might think of other people for a second. But right now she is painted loud and red with the fear of her brother dying. As we sit here in dark hues of blue and purple waiting to find out what you want to do.

Oh good she has gone. You look so much more relaxed John. Sleep for a while. I will be here until Madelyn comes back. I will defend you from the over-zealous nurses that pinch you in order to get a response. They will have to pinch through me first.

Damn. Your sister and her husband are here John. The first thing she said to me was Damnit. And I feel the same way. How am I going to tell Sagan? You are his favorite person in the world John – and that’s including Santa Claus. Don’t you leave this world without saying goodbye to him some how. I trust that you will find a way.

I know that we are in a hospital but I think it would be okay if we had a little shot.

To John. To John. To John.

Wow, that is strong stuff. Made from Bosnian plums you say? Oh, Croatian plums. That’s right, we still have a little box full of nails and screws and a super ball that John found on the ground there. I am not sure what happened to the five pound box of soap though. If we go to Cuba we will be sure to bring that along.

It’s ten am and the party has been over for some minutes. You have decided that another night sitting next to that annoying woman is just not worth it. Or that we had better things to do than sit around a hospital room weeping over you. Get on with it! You are saying. And, does the funeral home offer an AARP discount? I am supposed to tell Sagan in a few hours. Brian can’t. He can’t get past the first three words.

You know Papa was very sick. You know Papa was in the hospital. But this morning Papa John got so sick that he died and that means that we will not see him any more and he cannot come over anymore because he is dead. Crass but true and he is only four. Truth is more important than tact at age four. Still he does not understand why we are so sad that Papa is gone because Meme is still here and she is willing to play Legos and she will sleep upstairs with him in his room that smells of little boy.

Heartfelt words pour over the internet saying how sorry they are and how much of a loss this is for humanity. John was a great guy unless you worked for customs and then he was apparently a bit of a bastard. A lovable bastard but a bastard none the less. He told jokes people remember, he made lives better. He loved and he drank and he laughed and he was a bastard to the customs people of several different countries. Or perhaps just Canada.

Madelyn, you can stay here as long as you need. I see that you are ready to face this challenge. Maybe not today but certainly you are ready. And you will go home and you will go on. Brian will go on too. Sagan will understand and Wellington, my dear baby girl, you have been inconsolable for three days and no one even suspected that you knew. You will be okay sweetheart. I will be okay. Sagan will be upset, but he will be okay. And eventually daddy will be okay.

But just for now, this is the Pitts.