snickerpants.com

Honorable Katzuhiro-san,

While I understand that you have, of late, undergone an emotional and quite painful trip to the veterinarian, I think it is about time I brought some concerns to the family table.

I would like to begin by saying that you are, without a doubt, the most loving and, above all, dedicated cat I have ever in my life, had the privilege of knowing. You are a constant and trustworthy companion to me and I appreciate your firm belief that the world does actually revolve around my personal being. I would however, like to point out that this is sadly, untrue.

Alas, I am not the center of the universe.

I know, Katzu – it was hard for me to accept at first, but it is true. In the grand scheme of things, I am just not that important to this world. Sure, I am supreme ruler of the household, second only to the little one that cannot speak yet, but likes to command us all to do her bidding anyway. However, that’s not the point I am trying to make.

What I’m trying to say is:

Please.

For the love of god.

Stop.

I understand that first time, when I found you swinging back and forth by your little kitty tail from the window blinds and then ran over to untangle you before you got seriously hurt, it had to have some sort of psychological effect on you. That is perfectly natural.

It was sweet how you started following me around in hopes that I would sit and read for a few minutes so that you might curl up in my lap. And then, when you would sleep next to me at night, how you couldn’t get comfortable until you could touch my shoulder with at least a paw. Almost like you needed to reassure yourself that I was there.

And I understood, two years ago, when you very nearly died, and you were in the emergency vet for so long, and then you came home with that tube in your neck, and I had to feed you watered-down cat-gruel through said neck-tube for nearly two months until you had gained back your weight and got healthy again. I understood your need to be near me.

It was perfectly reasonable for you to become a little more attached, not letting me get too far out of your sight.

I understood it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t weird.

Let me put it to you this way:

Most of the people I know can go to the bathroom and shut the door without having kitty paws searching frantically underneath that door until they come back out. Most people would find it rather disconcerting to have their footsteps dogged so consistently from morning to night by a cat so large as you.

You must admit, the zeal with which you admire me has taken on some rather fanatic and cult-like proportions.

Not to diminish your respect in any way, but don’t you think you’re taking this last trip to the vet a little bit too far? I mean, you don’t even struggle when I shove the pills down your throat every morning and evening. And we have five more days to go with those. You used to raise such a hue and cry when I even looked at the pill bottle cross-eyed. Now you just look at me with brain-washed adoration. What happened?

I took you to the vet because you were obviously in pain when you tried to pee. I though “Nope, that’s not right. Better get him in to the vet before he tries to die again.”

I’m sorry about that part, but it’s true. For a cat that doesn’t do much all day long, you are far more mortally inclined than India (who, ps and by the way, manages to not try to kill herself all the time – even though she does really stupid shit that ought to have put her in the hospital at least four times by now.)

But I digress, we are talking about your penchant for living a very sedate and mortally dangerous life. Do you suppose I am some sort of feline guardian angel? Every time you have another bout of mortality I seem to be there force-feeding you back to health so perhaps that’s the reason you have become so devoted to me.

I asked Brian about it once. He said that cats tend to get fixated on one thing. Some like a particular ball, some like a certain sunny spot, some even like to play in the bathtub after a person showers. I have known cats that have all of these particular obsessions.

You, my friend, seem to have decided to fixate on me. While I certainly commend you on your commitment to a strange inclination I must tell you, it is getting a bit creepy. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. But recently, I am getting more than a little wigged out by how long you can sit at my feet and stare at me, without blinking.

What are you thinking while you sit there?

Are you thinking about how much you love and adore me? That would be very considerate. Are you thinking about how nice it would be if I moved my book so that you could sit in my lap? While that would be sweet, it ain’t gonna happen dude.

You realize that you weigh 19 pounds, right?

Or are you thinking thoughts that a little more sinister? Because sometimes it looks like you are and that makes me want to get up and walk away. Or, and again, I say this with all he love in my heart, kick you in the furry little backside.

No offense sweetie. It’s just that normal cats don’t really give a crap about what their people are doing 99.98% of the time. And there are times when I don’t really need a chaperon.

So let’s just roll things back a few kitty lives shall we? We can pretend you still have all nine and that you aren’t a crazy, obsessed, stalker cat.

I think it will really work out for the best that way, don’t you?

Sincerely,

Well, you watched me write this so I’m guessing you know who it’s from.