snickerpants.com

Craigslist Ad Posted (Tuesday 8:29pm):

I have a huge, red area rug. My sister gave it to me about seven years ago but it is at least ten years old. It has been vacuumed at least once a month and has lived out all of it’s area-rug life to date in a non-smoking house. We have two cats that have rolled over every square inch of the rug, but you really can’t see much cat-hair since it is patterned with various colors, mostly red. Did I say it is red? It’s red, mainly. It has tassels. They are white.

There is nothing wrong with this rug except for two things:

1. I hate it.
2. My sister does not want it back.

Do you want it? You can have it. I would love for it to go to a nice home with nice people that will be nice to it for the rest of it’s area-rug life but I’m not going to be too picky. If you want to use this mainly red, be-tasseled, ginormous area rug to line your garage floor, because you think your car needs a break at the end of the day, then go for it. Just don’t tell me about it. The last thing I want is to feel *guilty* about giving the rug away because I hated it too much to pack it up and bring it down to the Goodwill. That would make me hate it even more. Please don’t do that to me. Just take the rug and smile.

Here is a picture of it so that you may see I am not lying when I say there is really nothing wrong with the rug (except for my undying animosity) that a good cleaning won’t help. If you would like to care for this area rug please email me. Please don’t email me with a phone number though because I will not call you. I can barely remember to call my mother once a week and it is highly unlikely that I’m going to call someone I don’t know about a rug I can’t stand. Sorry but it’s true. Email is the best way. Trust me on this.

Truly, I have come to hate this rug.

First reply, 8:34 pm:

Hi, I just saw your posting on Craigslist.
Please give me a call as soon as you can.
206-555-1212
Thank you,
Jerry

Third Reply, 8:37 pm:

im steve

At this point I am called away to do housework/dishes/urgent Mafia Wars things and I do not check my email until about 9 am the following morning. At which point, this happens:

Subject line: Perfect adoptive home for be-tassled beauty

Bare hardwood floored living room in a 1939 colonial in Lynnwood is applying for adoption of your elegant rug. For the last few years my owners have been moving to Switzerland and have stripped me of all my dignity – the last to go was my prized Karastan rug which was the last touch of warmth in my life. Now I echo and in my search for new owners I am sure this will be a detriment. In this difficult housing market my now unemployed owners are trying their best to find a lovely family to again grace my spacious, elegant dimensions but alas, their limited means prohibit much financial outlay.
When your generous listing appeared my heartwood beat a little more hopefully,
Could this be it? I shudder at the thought of oil drips on its mostly red (my favorite colour by the way [I like the British spelling]) surface as an alternative to a grand existence in front of my magnificent mantled and marbled fireplace – please say I do and my owners will be there  posthaste to consummate the match.
Yours truly,
Thanking you in advance
18X24 Living room on quiet wooded cul-de-sac in Lynnwood (of all places!)

Dear Bare, hardwood floored living room,

I spent many years in Lynnwood. It is a nice area. I would love to get back there. Please, come rescue me from this miserable existance. The people here hate me. I just know they do. I can feel it every time they step on me.

You can find me at:

XXXX XXXth St

Seattle WA 98133

My captors are good people I am assured but I am starting to fear for my life. If you can come get me this evening I would be much obliged but I will understand if you cannot come until the weekend. Thank you so very much. I look forward to meeting you.

I await your reply,

-Large red area rug (with tassels)

My dear be-tasseled area rug,

Be reassured that my suit has received a positive response and I am overjoyed and creaking a bit in anticipation of our meeting. Though I know your fringes are quaking with fear in your current hostile environment, be calmed in contemplation of your future happiness.

I have every assurance that your captors may bear some ill feelings, if only toward your excessive redness or possibly your tassels, but are doing their best to find you an appreciative audience. My owners, recognizing that the best things in life are free, will be there to rescue you at about 6:30 of the o’clock if that sounds agreeable.

Google maps says that your home is easy to locate but my owners, being a bit senior, would appreciate any helpful hints necessary in finding your location easily.

Until tonight,

Bare hardwood floored living room – but, call me bare no more after this evening.

Dear hardwood floor,

I await your arrival with all the excitement my tassels can muster. I will be vacuumed and rolled up by 6:30 this evening.

You can easily find this cold, heartless prison by taking I-5 south (information deleted to protect the innocent and to keep you all from showing up at my house.)

I am being held captive in the Bright blue house on the North side of the street 3/4 of the way up the hill.

If you get lost you can call 206-555-1212. When she understands your plan to take me away from this place, I am sure the Lady captor will prove accommodating.

My synthetic woolen heart sings in anticipation of our meeting,

-Large red area rug (with tassels)

Dear future hearth-mate,

My owners will arrive with bells to match your tassels. Don’t be dismayed about the means of conveyance to our union.  I am sure our next owners will drive a better class of vehicle – more in suiting to our high standards. As it is, please excuse the shabby 92 green honda pulling a rusty utility trailer that will arrive to whisk you out of your current misery to Lynnwood. Tis but a short drive to warmth and comfort. Shall we have a fire in the fireplace tonight to celebrate?

Yours, Floor

Thank your custodians, as I do, for a Craigslist meeting of minds and needs

See you tonight.