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Hey, you know what sucks ass? That’s right, having a cold.

Having a cold sucks ASS.

You know what I’m talking about. You’re sitting there nodding your head in agreement because you have a cold too.

Or maybe it’s allergies. Who the hell knows? Who the hell cares? It still sucks.

Probably it is allergies. I have never been one to suffer from allergies but this is just ridiculous. I mean, it’s like the Snuffleupagus trees (Allergeria allerjesus var. gadmanitihatethiscrapii) are in full bloom in the middle of my living room.

My living room. Where I sit pathetic, unable to breathe, wishing my head would stop pounding and wondering where I put that damned box of tissues. And then it comes to me.

That’s right, it is time for a hot toddy.

Remember when you were a kid and you were all sickly and stuffed up and your throat hurt so your mom would put you in your pajamas, bundle you up in your favorite blanket and say something like:

“Oh, you poor little thing. You just stay on the couch and I’ll get you the Kleenex.”

And then she made you a hot toddy and let you watch TV till your eyes glazed over?

No? Hm, well trust me on this: that shit is awesome. But here’s the thing, do you remember the ingredients?

As an adult, the first time I realized I was in need of a hot toddy it dawned on me that I had no real recipe. I could remember that it was hot and with lemon juice and probably some honey and definitely bourbon (my mother was very adamant about that part) But what else and how much? I was lost. So, I did what everyone in my family does when they can’t remember the recipe for something…

I called my mom.

Lemon juice and honey and don’t forget the bourbon!

That’s my mom, always comes through in a pinch. To this day, you can call her on Thanksgiving and she won’t even say hello – she’ll just start reciting the ingredients for corn pudding. But the hot toddy recipe isn’t something written down. It’s like a recipe for cinnamon toast or tuna fish salad. Everybody knows what it should taste like so just make it taste like that.

Easy peasy! Right?

Sure, if you want irreproducible results with varying degrees of soothability. But I can’t be having with that. Sure, the lemon is nice. And the honey is good for the throat. And the bourbon, it is important! But I wanted to find a way to make a drink that, when ingested, made you feel as though you were getting better immediately (this is where the bourbon comes in.)

After futzing around in the kitchen for a couple of years, I finally came up with a recipe that (I think) does the trick. It is soothing on the throat, calming to the nerves and best of all – it’s tasty! I have to level with you though, it does not have bourbon.

It has brandy.

And as I sit here, sipping my hot toddy I realized that other people out there might be in need of this recipe. How could I be so selfish as to keep it all to myself? Well, I’m not a selfish person by nature (unless we’re talking Junior Mints) so, without further ado I present to you my recipe for the perfect Hot Toddy.

Hot Toddy for Two Seriously Ill Invalids.

aka “Froderick the Cold-Killer”

Ingredients:

• 1.5″ knuckle of fresh ginger
• 7 Allspice berries (whole)
• 5-6 small peppercorns (also whole)
• 1 lime
• 4 Cardamom pods (also also whole)
• Brown sugar
• Home made Pear brandy (store-bought will do until you can put some up later)
• boiling water

Directions:

• Into a Pyrex 2-cup measuring cup grate the ginger (or mash it up) as much as possible. Don’t worry about the skin, it will be strained out later. Do try to get as much as the juice as possible though.
• Place the allspice berries on a cutting board. With a flat-bottomed glass crack them open. Do not grind them up, you want the berries crushed but not powdery. Add these to the ginger.
• Repeat this process with the peppercorns. Again, do not grind them into fine powder – they will not strain out.
• Crack open the cardamom pods and scrape the seeds into the ginger/allspice/pepper mush. DO NOT crack open the seeds themselves unless you really really like the flavor of cardamom.
• Cut the lime and squeeze as much of the juice as you can into the cup. Alternatively you can use 2-3 tablespoons of bottled lime juice. (You can even substitute lemon juice if you like but let’s not get too crazy.)
• Fill the measuring cup up with boiling water. You don’t have to be precise about the amount. I usually fill it full.

Let that mess steep for about 5 minutes.

While all that is steeping, get out your favorite mug. Now get out another mug. Put about 2 teaspoons (more or less depending on taste) of honey in each cup then add a scant teaspoon of brown sugar to each (again, more or less depending on taste).

Here comes the important part:

Add a shot of pear brandy to each mug (more or less depending on age.)

note: store-bought pear brandy is brandy distilled from pears.  Home made pear brandy is brandy in which pears have been soaked for a few months to produce a sweet tincture. If you use store bought, add less brandy and increase the honey/brown sugar.

Once the ginger mash has steeped, use a small tea sieve (if you haven’t got one you can use a paper towel) to strain out all the spices as you fill up each mug. Stir until all the honey and brown sugar have dissolved.

You can add honey, brown sugar or lime juice to taste.  Enjoy!

Up next:Making pear brandy with a Benadryl hangover.