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Hey, did you know that I am a scientist? I don’t play one on TV, I am not that cool. But I really do get paid to do science every day of the week (except for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.) Truly it is awesome.

As a scientist, I can do stuff that has some serious explosion potential. I can melt stuff with acid or freeze it with liquid nitrogen. Hell, if I’m really bored I can slice it up into tiny little sections 5 microns thin (I rarely get this bored.) These things I can do because I work in a laboratory that has dangerous chemicals which I have been trained to use.

Also as a scientist I get to plan my day around experiments. Sometimes I have to let my experiments incubate for an hour or so. This means I have free time to kill right smack in the middle of the day. Most people like to call this “lunch” but I generally take lunch around 11am so I like to pretend that I’m working hard when really I’m just trying to figure out how to blow shit up with the judicious application of dry ice.

Again, this is because I work as a scientist which is fun and rewarding and (still) awesome in a very precise way.

Sometimes I find that people confuse “being a scientist” with “anything” on CSI (or other television shows.) It may shock you to hear that this is not actually the case.

CSI may be cool. The X-Files was certainly cool. Hell, Dr. Frank-N-Furter has been cool for thirty years now. But the people on these shows are not real scientists, they are actors. Actors get paid to be cool. It just so happens that those particular actors were playing scientists.

I know, I know -  it is hard distinguish between Hollywood Cool Scientists and us regular, real-life bench scientists.  So for those of you that may have difficulties with this concept I have written up a short list detailing the differences between an actual scientist and a scientist as portrayed on TV. Feel free to use this next time you are faced with a scientist and can’t decide if they are a bona fide nerd or a re-run of “CSI: Manitoba, revenge of the Sasquatch”

How to tell the difference between real life and TV scientists:
A short questionnaire

1. Are the lights on?

Yes: Good, they should be. How the hell else are you going to see anything? This is a real scientist.
No, but they have a cool lamp: You are watching TV. This is an actor.

2. Does the scientist in question have on a lab coat?

Yes: proceed to question 3.
No: Are they “In the field’?

Yes: Indeterminate, proceed to question 2a.
No: Indeterminate, proceed to question 2a.

2a. Is this person wearing tailored pants, Italian loafers or Burberry anything?

Yes: You are watching TV, this person is an actor.
No: Do they look as if they haven’t showered in two days?

Yes: This is a grad student. Definitely a scientist but highly unstable, do not make any eye contact or sudden moves.
No: This is a regular scientist.

3. Does the person look sexy, smart and stylish in their lab coat?

Yes: You are watching TV. This is an actor.
Not really, more like a goom-bah: This is a real scientist.

4. Can this person sequence the entire human genome in an hour?

Yes: You are watching TV. This is an actor.
No: This is a real scientist.

5. Are there lots of flasks full of colored liquid bubbling in the background?

Yes, and smoking too!: You are watching TV. This is an actor.
No: This is a real scientist.

6. Does this person use lots of big long words which you don’t understand?

Yes: Indeterminate, please continue to the next question.
No: Possibly this is your mom.

7. Does this person immediately explain what they just said in two sentences using allegory and metaphor to drive the point home?

Why Yes! How did you know?: You are watching TV. This is an actor.
No: Is this person looking at you as if you are retarded?

Yes: This is a scientist.
No: This is a scientist who feels sorry for you.

8. (If female) Is this person wearing a revealing skirt or low cut blouse?

Yes: You are watching TV. This is an actor.
No: She is a scientist not a hussy you greasy bastard.

9. Look at the work area, is it messy?

Yes: Is the mess artistically arranged?

Yes!: You are watching TV. This is an actor.
No, it looks like Hurricane Einstein hit it: This is a real lab.

No: You are watching TV. I have never seen a clean lab. Ever.

10. Is anyone eating a sandwich (with gloves on)?

Yes: Really? That is seriously gross. You are watching TV.
No: Good because ES&H* would be on their ass in a heartbeat. This is a real lab.

11. Is anything glowing under black light?

Yes: Is it a Jimi Hendrix Poster?

Yes: You are in a dorm room you perv, how the hell did you get there?
No, it is some sort of evidence: You are watching TV. This is an actor.

No: This is a real lab. We have other ways of making things glow.

Okay, so let’s recap:

Are you looking at dark work benches with sexy lab coats and bubbling green goo that glows under black light? That’s TV!

Do you find yourself in a well-lit area with people in stiff white coats four sizes too large babbling incoherently at each other? You are in a real lab! Congratulations and enjoy the science.

*ES&H – Environmental Health & Safety. You better watch your ass when they come around. They will ticket you for any infraction of the safety code, no matter how small. Eating in the lab is a BIG no-no.