This morning, as I was doing my hair in the bathroom, Catfish walked downstairs. This is nothing new, he does it every morning. But this morning was different. I could tell as soon as I clapped eyes on him because, even though he was wearing his favorite sweat pants (the blue ones with the white racing strip down the side), he was also wearing the vest to his Christmas suit.
Ah, it was going to be one of those days.
Those days don’t come very often. When they do, the only proper response is to grab the camera and roll with it.
Standing on the bottom landing to the stairs in sweat pants and a vest (no shirt – just the vest) Catfish informed me that he had a very important meeting this afternoon and that he needed to wear his shirt and tie so that he would be ready for it when he got home.
Really? Okay. What’s the meeting about?
Apparently, he was meeting with Uncle Ed (a very special doughnut maker) and Sir Topham Hatt to discuss the movie he was going to make entitled “Calvin and Hobbes 2″ wherein Pooh Bear saves the twins from the bad guys who have (for unknown reasons) put the twins in jail.
I know it sounds stupid but I was actually quite impressed that he got a meeting with Sir Topham Hatt. I hear he’s quite loaded.
So my son went to school this morning in a dress shirt, tie, vest and sweat pants. After he was completely dressed he turned around, smoothed down his vest and shirt tails and said
“I think Stephanie will like this.”
Keep in mind that he is also wearing ratty old sweatpants.
I might have peed my pants a little bit trying to keep a straight face.
Anyhoo, cut to this afternoon. I picked him up at school and, to my amazement, he still had on both the vest and the tie. And, as soon as I reminded him about it, he was excited to go to his meeting. Unfortunately there was a bit of a late start as we had to actually clean up the floor before we could convene but it all worked out eventually.
The following are my notes from today’s meeting.
Board Meeting Notes 5-20-10
Chairman: Catfish
Secretary: Me
Treasurer: Brian
Shareholders: Wellington, Rhino, Katzuhiro
5:25 Cleanup floor. Assemble chairs and table (empty box)
5:30 ‘Food time’ On the menu: Plastic Roast Chicken and simulated cheese sandwiches. Shareholder Wellington states for the record: “Hi Mama!”
5:32 Shareholder Wellington steals the Chair’s faux fried chicken. Cheese sandwiches have been replaced by wooden apples and disturbingly real-looking fake cheese.
5:37 The Chair states for the record: “Okay, let’s all have a happy snack!” More DRLF cheese is offered. The Secretary inadvertently steals said cheese from Shareholder Wellington who protests loudly and is admonished by the Chair to “Be nice or your out of the meeting!”
5:39 The Chair serves phony baloney and provides a 4″ x 4″ tablecloth with a lovely ‘race car’ pattern (gingham). Shareholder Wellington brandishes a fraudulent radish.
5:41 The Chair serves more mock chicken in the form of a ‘dead T-Rex’ offering the tail to the Secretary. He keeps the forehead for himself.
5:41 The door is heard to open downstairs. The Chair puts forward the motion that we all “Quick, hide the food!” in a very low whisper.
5:42 Treasurer Brian joins the meeting. The Chair offers him a fake pear.
5:43 The meeting recesses while the Treasurer goes back downstairs to procure a proper seat for himself and the Secretary. The Secretary thanks him upon return.
5:44 Shareholder Wellington forces the Treasurer to eat a toy potato.
5:45 The Secretary puts forward the motion that we start the meeting. The motion is vetoed by the Chair in favor of serving more counterfeit food.
5:45 The Treasurer puts forward the motion that we start the meeting. The Secretary seconds the motion. The Chair serves artificial watermelon and half a fake eggplant.
5:46 Shareholder Rhino, the dinosaur puppet, joins the meeting.
5:46 Shareholder Katzuhiro joins the meeting.
5:46 Shareholder Katzuhiro leaves the meeting.
5:46 The Chair refuses to start the meeting until he is able to serve the “Mackenroni and Cheese – NOT from a box, but already made up nice and warm.”
5:50 The Secretary grabs the Chair in an attempt to tickle him into divulging his movie plans. The Chair finally agrees to tell his plans with the caveat that “There will be surprises.”
5:51 Meeting participants have a happy happy snack.
5:51 Shareholder Wellington is reprimanded by the Chair for pretend-eating all the pretend food.
5:52 Chairman Catfish starts the discussion of Thomas #3: the Movie.
Plot: Thomas is on a dangerous mission. The bridge breaks and he falls. He lands in the water and his wheels break.
5:53 Discussion pauses to request that Shareholder Wellington refrain from eating Shareholder Rhino.
5:53 Chairman Catfish continues with Thomas #3: the Movie.
Plot: Thomas finds train tracks. (Where? In the water? No, in the dirt.) They go UP UP UP! And then they’re on the other side and a NEW engine is there named ‘Unkin.’
5:55 Doorbell rings. Meeting recesses in order to ascertain that the UPS delivery man has just delivered the Secretary’s new sleeping bag.
5:56 Meeting reconvenes. Chairman Catfish finishes the plot summary of Thomas #3: the Movie.
Plot: Thomas then finds robbers at Train Island and there was another good guy named ‘Chuggington.’ The End.
5:56 The Chair introduces his second movie idea “Rock Monster #1″
5:57 Shareholder Wellington requests a fictitious can of refried beans be opened to feed Shareholder Rhino. Chairman Catfish states for the record that RM#1 will have a ‘Rock Monster Smasher’ that can also dig crystals.
5:58 Shareholder Katzuhiro rejoins the meeting. The Chair begins to outline his last project idea entitled ‘Space Police.’ He states for the record that “It will have a Robot Police Dog.”
6:01 The Chair demonstrates the Robot Police Dog and introduces the supporting character of ‘Transformer Police Dog.’
6:01 The Chair demonstrates the transformative powers of Transformer Police Dog.
I went to the Safeway today. I had to have a prescription filled.
It’s cool, I’m okay.
When I turned in my script, the pharmacy tech told me to give her about fifteen minutes. I can do that. I need to go get sangria fixin’s anyways so I’m good.
I shopped.
I found lots of stuff. Most notably, I found Brian’s favorite cereal (Life) on sale for $1.00 a box which was awesome. Then I strolled over to get the fruit for the sangria. That went well.
On my way back from the produce section I passed the meat case and found some portobello mushroom sausages. So that’s dinner taken care of – again, awesome. I did get stopped by an employee to see if I was finding everything okay. I’m guessing that no one ever texts their husband about dinner in the middle of the Safeway meat department because that lady was confused as to what the hell I was doing.
But then I was done with my shopping and I still had about five minutes to spare.
I wandered.
This is not really a good idea ever because I end up buying shit like pickled okra (delicious, by the way) and Louisiana Fish Fry (don’t know yet) and four different kinds of hot sauce (aaaaall good.)
Today was no different except that before I started to wander, I decided to play The Grocery Store Game. I love the grocery store game! Plus, that meant I had to stick to The Rules of the Game and currently that means I can only buy stuff that is either
A) on sale and/or
B) less than $2.00.
Have you ever played the Grocery Store Game? I can tell you from experience that it is pastime with some merit.
When I lived in the south I invented the Asian Grocery Store Game. That one is was all about language.
The Rules state that, whenever you find yourself in an Asian grocery store, you have to seek out and buy whatever product had the least amount of English writing on it. Then you have to take it home and try to cook it immediately.
I fricken’ loved this game.
I ate (or at least tried) a ton of different stuff with this game. I discovered how to make Inari sushi this way! Of course I also once served bubble tea tapioca balls with tomato sauce and Parmesan cheese.
In my defense, I don’t speak any Asian languages at all so I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing. (For the record, that tapioca was done to perfection.)
Alas, this game is now somewhat defunct since the FDA decided all food should have at least a minimal amount of English labeling. It’s still kinda fun but knowing all the ingredients on the can kinda takes the element of surprise out of it.
So now I stick to the cheap game and abide by the $2.oo/on sale limit. Which, by the way, is harder than it seems like it should be. Let me just say this, about that: It is AMAZING how expensive groceries are.
Seriously.
Are you aware that it is almost impossible to buy a decent sized bottle of Tabasco for under $2.00 unless you’ve been clipping coupons?
However, if you really watch the sales, you can get some pretty good stuff. Like Life cereal for $1.00 a box!
Of course I have one caveat to my under $2.00/on sale rule. I am allowed to buy anything that is advertised in such a manner as to elicit an appreciative response. For instance:
Occasionally Top Foods will advertise “Yellow Curved Fruit” for $0.39/pound. I don’t even like bananas all that much but I am a HUGE fan of yellow curved fruit.
Once I saw this in their flier:
Speaking as a person with a degree in Botany, I would have to say that this is somewhat inaccurate.
Let me just repeat that:
Top Foods is claiming that Iceberg lettuce is a good source of chlorophyll.
Just so you’re aware, Iceberg lettuce, compared to all the rest of the vegetables available EVER, is probably lower on the list than say, purple potatoes and albino parsnips.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to buy it. Hell, potato chips and gummy fruit probably have more chlorophyll than this lettuce but I still think it’s awesome and I want it.
And this afternoon I found another gem. Not only did it follow all the rules (On sale AND under $2.00 – sweeeeeet) but it was also some of the most persuasive advertising I’ve seen in a while. Here, let me show you:
I'm willing to bet these kick ass.
Did you see that? Here, let me make that bigger for you:
Apparently you should be drinking milk, not whiskey.
So remember when I told you I had a three-legged dog? His name was Chuck. He was more awesome than a trained monkey (well, probably. He never flung any poo at me that I recall.) He was certainly more awesome than the cat that barfs every time she eats too fast.
I'm lookin' at YOU Ms. Regurgitation.
Well, recently I came across Chuck’s old water dish. The one he had to have a special because of the missing front leg and all the times he would bend down to drink, lose his balance and go splashing into the water bowl.
While this didn’t phase him in the slightest, it would upset me to no end. It was heartbreaking to see him wobble over and fall. And, to be more honest with you, it was a major pain in the ass to clean water off the floor seven or eight times a day.
To solve this problem my step-father fashioned him up a standing water dish (Thanks Ed!) My mom painted it a lovely shade of green (Thanks Mom!)
As you may know, Chuck passed away. It’s been several years ago now but it still doesn’t get any easier to think about those last few months. I have tried to write up the story of Chuck, all the friends he made, all the people that helped ease his passing but I can’t seem to edit the damned thing. I get halfway through and I can’t read any more because my eyes start tearing up and my nose starts running.
After his death I gave away most of his stuff to a friend that had adopted a puppy. He was happy to have it, I was happy to give it. I gave him everything except the water dish. I don’t know why – I just couldn’t give it up.
Cut to this afternoon. I was dinking around in the shed and I spotted that water dish.
“Well now” says I. “That should be put to better use than just collecting dust, don’t you think?”
So I dragged it out and put it up for free on Craigslist. There are many things I could say about the “Free Stuff” section on Craigslist. Many of them you’ve probably heard me say before. I will sum it up to this:
Crazy-ass shit happens when you get involved with the “Free Stuff” area of Craigslist.
This is a proven fact. If you know what you’re doing it can be very rewarding. Today I was rewarded.
I posted this:
I used to have an awesome dog named Chuck. He only had three legs.
Before you email to ask: No, I don’t know how he lost it. He never told me.
Anyway, Chuck was a very tall black lab. He weighed over 100 pounds and when standing on his hind legs he was almost as tall as I am (5’4″)
Because he was missing a front leg he had to hop on his good leg when he walked. But you shouldn’t feel bad for him, he was spoiled rotten. Well, at least for all the years that he lived with me. He was so spoiled that my step-dad made him a custom water bowl so that he wouldn’t have to bend down to drink. This, I can assure you, is not an easy feat for a dog missing a front leg.
It’s been many years now and I still miss Chuck. After he passed away I gave most of his things to a friend who had just adopted a new puppy. But I kept the water dish because it seemed like a one-of-a-kind thing. I mean really, how many three-legged dogs does one meet on a regular basis?
Recently, I came across it again. I can honestly say that we have no plans to get a dog in the near future three-legged or otherwise. But I look at that water dish and think “Is there a dog out there that needs this?” How can I keep it if there is a three-legged dog out there in danger of capsizing every time he/she goes for a drink?
So here it is, my old dog’s water dish up for grabs. If you know of a three- legged dog (or maybe just a really LARGE dog) that is in need of a little aqueous assistance, please email.
Now, remember how I tried to find a suitable taker for the Large Red Area Rug (with Tassels)? That was an adventure I don’t mind telling you! In the end I had almost 200 people emailing me for that area rug.
TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE.
And they all wanted that area rug. Some pleaded, some demanded, some cajoled and some asked very nicely. But they all wanted the rug.
Which is why I was expecting a lot of people to email me about the dog dish. I was wrong.
Firstly, I have had twenty-two responses so far from the ad. That’s cool. Not everybody has a need for a standing water dish catering to a three-legged dog.
But then comes the weird part. Are you ready for the weird part?
Only five people actually want the water dish. Everyone else wrote to tell me things. How much they liked the ad, how I should get another dog, how there is a three-legged dog down the street from them, how I could donate it to the County Animal Shelter if I don’t find any takers and one woman who decided to tell me the story of her life in dogs.
I think.
I couldn’t really tell. Maybe you can figure it out. My point being that most of the people wrote didn’t need the dish, they just wanted to thank me for posting the story.
So that was nice in an unexpected way. It was also eerily reminiscent in a way. All those responses brought me back to my time with Chuck. And how, for some reason completely beyond my scope of comprehension, people would see me walking my three-legged dog and feel the need to talk to me and …tell me things.
Not bad things. Well, mostly not bad things. Just…strange things.
For example, Chuck and I were running errands one day. On our way back from the sandwich shop I was approached by a man in a suit and tie. When I looked up at him, he had tears in his eyes. He smiled a sweet, sad little smile and said:
“Bless you. My mother only had one leg.”
Whaaa? I mean sure, my dog only has three legs – your mom only had one. But doesn’t that mean that my dog had two more legs than your mom? How does that even correlate to the fact that we’re outside a sandwich shop and you are in tears? I guess for him it did. So I smiled and said:
“He’s the best dog in the world.”
‘Cause really, what is the proper response to that statement? I’ll tell you. There is no proper response.
I speak from experience in this matter because Suit and Tie guy was not the only person I ran into throughout my dog years that confessed to having a one-legged mother. Why just mothers? Did no one care if they had a one-legged dad? Perhaps those people don’t like dogs? I don’t know.
I’ve also seen several prosthetic legs. Not willingly, mind you. But people see that three-legged dog hoppin’ down the street and they start pulling up their pant legs. One guy had a bright purple aluminum bar for a leg. Bright. Fricken’ Purple.
I have been yelled at,
“Get that dog a fake leg!”
Questioned incessantly,
“How did your dog lose his leg? How come you don’t know? Can you walk that dog?”
Even offered a ride to the vet.
“I see your dog has a thorn in his paw, do you need help?”
But the best experience I had was completely silent.
Chuck and I were on our daily rounds. As we passed a cute little craftsman style house the front door opened and a man in his early forties stepped out. He had a garbage bag in his hand. He put the bag down and turned around to close the door behind him. That’s when I noticed that he only had one arm. When he turned back around to pick up his garbage he noticed us wobbling down his sidewalk. He assessed Chuck for a second and smiled. Then he looked me in the eye and gave a slight nod that said:
“I approve of your dog there. You may be alright too.”
I smiled back at him and and we hopped on. And for the rest of the walk all I could think was
This letter was in response to an ad I put up on Craigslist giving away a standing dog water dish. As near as I can tell, this woman is having an affair with a carpenter and living with twelve dogs while committing the felony of letter her dog run rampant (off-lead) on National Park land. But it’s a good thing she had those dogs because her neighbors are stealing from her? Whaaa?
your post re: chuck’s dog dish was very touching.not everyone has the patience to care for a 3 legged dog. chuck sounded very happy.
i thought i was the biggest dog lover ever.//but, now you have proved me wrong. i would love that dog dish for my 100# black lab Bonnie.
i had a job commuting 1.5 hours away…my fence was falling down & one of my dog at the time, was a little escape artist. so i had to hire someone carpenter to help me replace it….while fence was down, he loaded up my dogs & i & we went to national park to run them…while there, a couple drove up to me w/ 2 black labs in back & asked if they were mine. i said on & pointed to mine. they said they found them running wild way up in the forest, miles away…they were so hungry…they said they were taking them to the pound…i said no, dont do that, i will take them. my carpenter said you already have 2 dogs you dont need 2 more.. besides you just got let go from your job yesterday, are you nuts….i said look at those pretty black labs… my carpenter refused to put the dogs in his truck. i asked the couple if they would give me & 4 dogs a ride back to my house….they agreed & i took the 2 new black labs & named them BONNIE & Clyde.
my dear sweet neigbors left a note on my door, informing me they were turning me in for having 4 dogs.
another friend of mine w/ a drinking problem, told me he had once trained & raised great danes & loved big dogs….at the time he was dogless, bur not for long. he fell in love w/ Clyde who weighs 125#. he said Clyde was a corny name & renamed him Bud..this freind’s father later came down w/ alzheirmer’s & he had to put his dad in a facility. my friend trained Clyde/Bud to be a service dog for nursing home patients.
myself, i am still struggling financially. only getting part time temp jobs.
i have been experiencing theft from neigbhors. poor bonnie wss so exhausted from her watch dog duties, she would collapse in exhaustion..so i got 2 free watch dogs a rotweiller/german shepherd Captain and a pit bull/jack russell Cherokee.
my lab is very easy going & has to put up with the rest of the crew.
they steal her food, little boogers…
if you decide on me:
unfortuantely, i am south of shoreline, in thurston co, but could pick it up from friends in south king co…if you ccould get it that far south
Also – Pit bull/Jack Russel Terrier mix? How the hell does one allow THAT to happen?
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