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So it was five am and I was sleeping as much as anyone can sleep at five am on a PNW morning in June. Which is to say, not too deeply. (In case you don’t know, the sun rises here at inhumane hours during the summer)

All of a sudden I heard a strange noise that sounded like:

A-pee! A-pee!

Which was weird.

Then came five pudgy little fingers of fury slamming into my cheekbone with the strength of a she-bear.

Which hurt. A lot.

I heard the noise again, only louder this time.

A-PEE! A-PEE!

And again the pain came crashing into my skull.

Now that I was almost awake and able to distinguish where the pain and the noise were coming from, I was doubly confused. Because they were both coming from our 13 month old daughter.

How the hell did she get in bed with us?

Why is she beating me up?

WTF was going on?!

The next time I heard it, I recognized some sort of cadence to the noise. Almost as if…

A-PEE! BAY-BEE! A-PEE! BAY-BEE!

But I was ready for it this time and countered with my own outburst:

Good lord, get her off me Brian!

Way over on the other side of our tiny little bed I heard my husband giggling softly.

“Are you a happy baby this morning?”

So, the Princess is talking now. Apparently, she likes to talk with her hands.

Squameto

/m??skito?/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [skwa-mee-toh]

–noun, plural -toes, -tos.

1. Any of numerous dipterous insects of the family Culicidae, the females of which suck the blood of humans, Pooh bears and cats.  Some species transmitting certain diseases, as malaria and yellow fever. All can be temporarily vanquished by means of frantic running throughout the backyard with some sort of improvised weapon such as a sword or laser blaster. They are especially dangerous during or after meal times, play times, evenings, mornings, afternoons, later afternoons, and any moment one’s back is turned. Squametos have perpetrated a panoply of crimes ranging from minor misdemeanors to (in one instance) Grand Theft auto. Though they generally prefer the lesser crimes of spilling juice, messing up the living room and/or throwing food on the floor.

Dooosh! Koooosh! I got that guy!

Mom! Dad! Did you see that? I got that squameto. He was a bad guy. I killed him.

This is Jack:

My nephew

He is the first child of the next generation of our family;  the first baby I ever changed a diaper on. When we went to the hospital to meet him for the first time, my (now) husband had to be shown how to hold him because he had never held a baby before.

Jack and I have recently started geocaching together. He’s pretty good at it too.

He plays soccer, pokeman and Lego Star Wars.

He used to have two fish named Shaky and Nuts. Although I am unsure of the pedigree of the current fish he may have, I know there are a lot of them.

Jack is the first kid to have called me aunt Tippy which has turned out to be strangely fitting. So thanks for that Jack!

Today is Jack’s eighth birthday. Please join me in wishing him a wonderful birthday!

Happy Birthday Jack!

Just so you don’t think I’ve given up on being cheap, here is a summary of my latest coupon excursion:

1 hour of time at the Albertson’s and I got:

• 2 bottles Tree Top Apple juice (64 oz)
• 2 boxes “Artisan Cheese” Wheat thins (these were free!)
• 1 Velveeta box cheese dinner*
• 2 boxes frozen Boca Burgers
• 2 boxes Fat Free Ritz Crackers (16 oz)
• 1 bag Frozen green peas (24 oz)
• 2 boxes Zataran Rice Mix*
• 1 head of Celery
• 1.3  lbs Jona Gold apples
• 1.75  lbs yellow onions
• 2  lbs Roma tomatoes
• 1 jar Grey Poupon mustard (country ground!)
• 7 cans Bush’s Navy beans
• 1.8  lbs red grapes
• 1 1/2 dozen eggs
• 5 cans Bush’s Great Northern beans
• 2 bottles Original flavor Tabasco (5 oz)
• 4 boxes Quaker Chewy Granola bars
• 2 4-packs Dannon yogurt
• 1.6 lbs bananas (surprisingly, the least cost effective item I purchased)
• 2 packages Kraft Singles (16 oz)**
• 2 bottles Star Balsamic vinegar (10 oz)
• 1 5 lbs bag of King Arthur All-Purpose Flour (more…)

I have an announcement to make.

Frankly, I am surprised at all that I would have to state this publicly but there is no accounting for some people and I choose to believe that those people just have no idea what they are doing.

Okay, here goes:

If you find that your skirt is not long enough so that it actually covers your ass, you are inappropriately dressed for shopping at the Costco.

Alternatively, if the heels on your shoes are longer than the skirt/shorts you are wearing, you are again, inappropriately dressed to shop at the Costco.

Now that I’ve said it let’s discuss:

Ladies (or gentlemen, I’m not one to be sexist here) consider for a moment what shopping at your local Costco implies. Do you need twenty-five pounds of cane sugar? How about a case of baby diapers? Perhaps, as is often the case in our household, you need two cases of soy milk for your morning cereal. These are all things you can purchase at the Costco. These are all things that come in bulk.

These are also things that require you to bend over and lift them into your cart.

While I am not advocating women (or men, like I said, I’m not a sexist) revert back to Edwardian tea gowns, I do believe it is entirely possible for a woman (or man) to shop at the Costco without the slightest chance of flashing one’s naughty bits to all the surrounding shoppers whilst trying man-handle fifty pounds of Alpo onto their cart.

If I’m correct, there will be a few people out there saying to themselves “I don’t think enough women (or men) out there that shop like that!”

And perhaps you are right.

But I’m guessing that Costco only exists in Los Angeles. Or, more likely, in your own imagination. Because you have obviously not shopped at my local Costco. Or any other Costco that I can think of off the top of my head.

Not that there aren’t any beautiful people in my neck of the woods, certainly there are.  But (though I could be miles wide of the mark here) I am pretty sure that Costco is not known for it’s sexy singles scene. And those people that do shop at the Costco are shopping in bulk. Which means they have need of bulk items. Which means they either A) Have children B) Own a business or C) eat a LOT.  Or possibly they live out in BFE.

So let’s review:

If you are, at this moment, wearing a micro skirt with stiletto heels and thinking about how much you need to pop down to the Costco and pick yourself up four cases of motor oil and a ream of printer paper please, let my argument attempt to persuade you to put on a pair of jeans. Hell, you can even keep the heels on if you like. No one will fault you for that.*

But change the skirt.

No one wants to see that.

Not even you.

*Nope, we’ll just laugh at you. I mean really, you are shopping at Costco in stiletto heels. How’s that going for ya?

Honorable Katzuhiro-san,

While I understand that you have, of late, undergone an emotional and quite painful trip to the veterinarian, I think it is about time I brought some concerns to the family table.

I would like to begin by saying that you are, without a doubt, the most loving and, above all, dedicated cat I have ever in my life, had the privilege of knowing. You are a constant and trustworthy companion to me and I appreciate your firm belief that the world does actually revolve around my personal being. I would however, like to point out that this is sadly, untrue.

Alas, I am not the center of the universe.

I know, Katzu – it was hard for me to accept at first, but it is true. In the grand scheme of things, I am just not that important to this world. Sure, I am supreme ruler of the household, second only to the little one that cannot speak yet, but likes to command us all to do her bidding anyway. However, that’s not the point I am trying to make. (more…)