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Written by Stephen King, Narrated by Ron McLarty

Oh dear Lord.

I used to be a huge Stephen King fan. Then I read the Tommyknockers. Anyone who tells you the Tommyknockers is a great book is either

A) Seriously brain-dead
B) Cracked out
Or
C) 12

Well, that’s not entirely true. I think I was about 12 (maybe 14?) when I read the Tommyknockers and I knew, even then, it was a terrible book. But King used to be a great writer, I think. I mean, Carrie was great, as was The Shining. So when I saw ‘Salem’s Lot on the audio book shelf at the library I thought to myself “Self, let’s go on a trip down memory lane just to see…”

Which just goes to show you that not all of my ideas are so hot. In fact, some of them are just plain bad. This was one of the bad ones. I stuck it out of loyalty to my childhood but ‘Salem’s Lot is just not all I remembered it being.

*Cue all the die-hard King fans out there that are having kittens and cursing my name right now.*

To you I say:

Have you read ‘Salem’s Lot lately?

Do you realize that Stephen King is writing for 12 year old boys?

The vampire lore is not only improbable (as far as vampires go…) but flat-out silly.

Lemme ‘splain.

The first victim is a kid whose name escapes me right now. He goes into the woods with his little brother, gets lost and comes back home in shock, sans aforementioned brother. He is rushed to the hospital where he spends a few days lingering in an anemic haze before dying. A few days later the funeral takes place and he is laid to rest. Only the grave digger can’t seem to get his wits about him to bury the kid and at sunset Whammo! he rises from the grave.

Fast Forward to about 3/4 of the way through the book. At this point people are being savagely bitten, dying and popping up as vampires all in an hour or so.

WTF?

Apparently, halfway through the book the vampire rules change.

And anyone who is bitten by a vampire automatically turns into a vampire. So basically, every time a vampire feeds it’s spawning more undead. Think about that. If a vampire needs to feed every night how long would it take to turn the entire town into blood-sucking fiends? Hmm, let’s see:

Night 1: 1 Vampire feeds off 1 person. Now we have 2 vampires.

Night 2: 2 Vampires feed off 1 person each. Now there are 4.

Night 3: 4 Vampires feed off 1 person each. Now there are 8.

Night 4: 8 Vampires feed off 1 person each. Now there are 16.

If they continued in this vein it would take a healthy 8 or 9 days to turn the entire town (population: around 300) into vampires. But they don’t. The main vampire baddie goes out and chews on everyone he can find. All the other vampires feed off of anyone and everyone that comes in their path until, about 48 hours later, everyone in town is either undead or packing.

Okay, maybe that’s reasonable. Maybe the vampires went on a bender or something. But that still doesn’t explain the writing. The terrible thing about this terrible writing is that it’s terribly repetitive. And by repetitive I mean, King repeats himself using the same 50 cent word twice within the same paragraph. That’s okay a few times but we’re not talking about a few times. We’re talking about using words like “Blood-curdling” and “Phantasmal” two and three times in a row without any excuse as to why he’s doing it other that “I’m Stephen King. I can do that.” This may seem like a fairly innocuous tic but trust me, when someone is reading the story to you – you notice. Then you start thinking “Does this guy really use a thesaurus that much?” It’s a little embarrassing.

Anyway, enough ranting. If you’re really that into Stephen King get this audio book from the library and listen to it, then tell me what you think. Mmmmmmmkay?

Written by Patricia Cornwall, Narrated by C.J. Critt

Well, that was certainly a murder investigation. I guess I liked this story because I found it hard to turn off. I also foundm yself wanting to drive the long way home to listen to it in the car. What I had a hard time getting used to was the narrator’s particular brand of “upbeat tense” or at least her best shot at upbeat tense. Which sounded more like enthusiastic to me but the story line overcame the narration and in the end, I have to say that I would be less entertained had I turned the cd off.

I know that’s not saying much in the way of “Yay! Hooray! Read this book!” which is because I don’t think it’s worth a “yay!” or even a “Hooray!” Perhaps a “read it if you’re bored”.

I can’t say why it didn’t grip me. The characters were developed, if a bit stereotypical and shallow. The plot was okay though the bad guy, who was supposed to be the worst serial killer this side of Jack the Ripper, was not as bad as all that. Or at least I kept thinking “Ted Bundy scares me much more than this guy and Ted’s dead.” But the mystery was interesting and the conclusion was satisfying (although a bit short changed in my opinion) So if you’re looking for something to read because you have some time to fill then go for it. If you looking to make some time to read then go elsewhere.

Written by Philip Pullman

For those of you unaware, ‘His Dark Materials’ is the name for the Golden Compass, the Subtle Knife and the Amber Spyglass trilogy. I have read these books before but after the hub-bub of the movie I thought it would be fun to refresh my memory. And since I read all three of them back to back and within a week I thought I’d lump them all together and write one big rant about everything. So hold on tight.

Once deemed “The most dangerous author in all Britain” Pullman is certainly not shy about his opinion when it comes to religion. I don’t think that the ‘His Dark Materials’ series is subversive when it comes to the Church because it doesn’t pussy-foot around and pretend to be something it’s not – Religion and those on the side of “the Church” are the bad guys.

However, unless you knew what was coming up in later books, you wouldn’t get a grasp of his anti-religious views from The Golden Compass (the first book). There just isn’t enough of the plot revealed to let on.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love these books. It took me all of two days to finish the first one (and that’s because I’m slow-witted and pregnant at the moment) I’m not intrinsically a religious person so the anti-church views don’t run contrary to any core beliefs I hold. In fact, I like the ideas that he introduces later that supplant the idea of needing a Church and religious doctrine to tell people what to think and how to act. And I think that anyone open-minded enough should be able to see a different view from the norm and enjoy it for what it is: just a different view.

And that’s where I’d be wrong of course. Religion is a banner that has rallied around for millennia and has therefore has the unique ability to drain all the open-mindedness out of any situation. Pro or con, people tend to get very agitated when an opposing view is stated.

I work with a woman that is extremely religious. She finds it very difficult to allow a conversation to take place in front of her that even slightly challenges her beliefs (and I’m including the time I tried to simply explain a bit about Hinduism). Not that she proselytizes; she’s very considerate about not letting on how obvious it is that we are all going to hell. But she definitely feels the need to remind everyone that she BELIEVES in the bible and what everyone else is talking about is certainly not something with which she would agree, should her opinion be solicited. Which, shockingly, it is usually not.

Now, I understand where she is coming from but the constant reminder that she, personally, doesn’t approve of such things, makes me sad because she misses out on so many wonderful things. Not the least of which is the His Dark Materials trilogy.

Controversial views or not, there is no doubt that Pullman is an incredible writer. The plot construction is inventive and peppered with twists that seem a bit incredible at first but quickly become reality for the main characters. It would be unfair to explain over much about the plot because it really is a wonderful story which I would hate to ruin. Yes, you know that the Church is the bad guy but everyone knows that by now – hell, even the woman I work with knows that which is why she’ll never read these books.

One last thing and I’ll get off my soapbox/high horse: Many people rant about how inappropriate these books are for children. I have asked children what they think about these books and the overwhelming answer is “They’re Grrrrreat!” But when asked if they understood about all the religion and God etc… the usual response is something along the lines of “Meh” coupled with a blank stare.

I’m not saying these books won’t influence anyone – I could never assume to know that. What I will say is that children have much more intelligence than adults generally credit them. I tend to think children have a better read on the world than we, as adults are capable of gleaning. With this view in mind, I propose that most of the fuss over these “heretical” books stems from how adults interpret these books and impose their own ideas onto children.

But then again what do I know?

Follow up note:
As my loving husband pointed out to me, I have unwittingly put people into two categories here:

For those people I must say, you did not cross my mind when writing the above rant and I apologize. I did not have you in mind when I spoke of rigid beliefs and inability to accept that which is foreign to those beliefs. In fact, I can honestly say that you blend in so well with the fabric of a normal society that many people do not think of you as outstanding in many ways though clearly, you are. To be able to hold any belief, no matter how strange it may seem to another, while at the same time credit another person for questioning that belief is truly an incredible skill. To be able to recognize the importance of those questions and yet stay true to yourself is not an easy thing. And to those of you that do this every day I applaud you. It is people such as yourself that make society tolerable and conversation lively.

Written by G.M. Ford

Again with the Leo Waterman mysteries. I read an excerpt from this book at the end of the last book (Last Ditch) and was interested in reading it. I was planning on getting it from the library. But, as coincidence would have it, my husband came across this particular book in a bookstore and bought it, not really knowing what he was buying. Good job Brian!

So I read this on the heels of the last book which was fun. Ford is slowly developing the Waterman character over the course of his stories. TDtB was a more introverted book than the last few and allowed for a bit more introspection on the part of the main characters (Leo and his long-time girlfriend) Waterman’s reaction to growing up and becoming an adult are genuine and hit very close to home in some respects. (Unfortunately I identified more with the girlfriend who wanted to turn him into a productive member of society.)

Another very interesting aspect of this story is that it is set on the Olympic Peninsula; in a tiny oyster/logging town which I could swear was the town in which Brian (my aforementioned husband) grew up.

The mystery was a little more forced than previous books but enjoyable none-the-less. If you are looking for a fun read I suggest you pick up a Waterman mystery, they are well written and worth digging into.

Wirtten by G.M. Ford

I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat myself here: I like G.M. Ford’s writing style. He’s a native of the Seattle area and so far as I can tell, he doesn’t screw around trying to make up silly names for things that he can just as easily describe in real detail. The places in his books are real as I am sure most of the people are – or at least based on real enough people.

Last Ditch is another Leo Waterman mystery (Leo being Ford’s stubborn, middling-aged, almost-mature-enough-to-handle-himself-in-public private detective) He has problems, not the least of which is that he comes from a very prominent family. Prominent, in this sense, meaning “my dad was Seattle’s greatest gangster/councilman” A reputation he tries very hard to avoid.

What I like most about Ford’s story construction is the easy way his character can fall into a mystery and not forced out of impossible coincidences. Some things are a bit more coincidental that others but on the whole the mystery part of the book is pretty organic – Waterman is a private detective so it’s natural that he should be looking into shady dealings.

In Last Ditch, Leo comes up against his old nemesis: his dead father’s legacy. Only this time he learns more than he is willing to admit and must now decide on whether or not to defend him. I won’t say much more but rest assured this is an enjoyable mystery.