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By Robert Lacey and Danny Danzieger, narrated by Grover Gardener

Wow, this is a fascinating book. So many things you don’t think about or take for granted that they’ve always been that way. They haven’t. Purely for comparison purposes this book is an eye opener to read (or listen to, as in my case)Case in point: did you know that the local Silver Smith was responsible for minting new money every third year and the penalty for using less silver than required by law in the coin’s alloy was the loss of a hand – which would then be displayed over your shop so everybody could see that you were guilty. Also incredible was the idea of the late summer hunger period – the time between when all of the previous year’s stores ran low and when the new season’s crops hadn’t yet ripened. Hunger pains, as it was explained, may have been softened due to the age of the grain they had to consume. Old grain (especially rye) can become infected with a fungus called ergot (Scully got Ergot poisoning on the X-files once, remember?) anyway, ergot is a strong hallucinogen and it could have been that many people were just having a great old time eating their moldy old bread waiting for the new crops to come in.
Also explained are the basic day to day activities a person may expect to encounter in the year 1000. How you fed your family (mostly grain and meat), where you worked (close to home), when you worked (pretty much all day), what you ate and when (breakfast and dinner – no lunch), and what to do when you got sick (ferchristsakes don’t go to the doctor! – or, go ahead, it really didn’t make a whole lot of difference)
For anyone even mildly curious about the daily comings and goings of European life in the year 1000 I would recommend this book. It’s really quite interesting! And remember: Don’t drink the water!

By G.M. Ford

Just when you think you have it solved, G.M. Ford goes and dumps a bunch of non-sequitors on you. Nah, not really but this mystery didn’t pan out like I thought it would, but then again it did. I like Ford’s use of real Seattle as a background for his main character and all his PI high jinx. I like being able to picture exactly where everyone is while they are rushing around and fighting crime. I also really appreciate the fact that he uses a crew of homeless people as supporting cast and he uses them for very specific reasons: homeless people can be unseen more than any other people in our society so why not employ them for surveillance? Ford’s characters hang out at the Eastlake Zoo Tavern, a real bar in Seattle so I assume that he frequents the place himself – or at least he used to. The bum’s rush was sort of a takeoff of the tragedy surrounding Curt Cobain and his suicide, though in this case it was Lukkas Terry and an apparent suicide that looks like it could also be *gasp* murder! Fun for summer reading.

By Janet Evanovitch

See! I told you i’d get to this book eventually! It only took an airplane trip back from the San Diego Comic Book Convention! This was a fun book, just like my mother, my stepfather, my grandmother (and I do believe my sister might be in there somewhere) keep telling me. I like the fact that the main character is from New Jersey and has the fashion sense to match. I can say this because I spent several formative years in New Jersey. Years wherein Bon Jovi was famous for Livin’ on a Prayer and I can relate to the blue eyeliner and bright red lipstick with which she dolls herself up.

Ahhh, New Jersey. I’ve never had hair that big since. Anyway, the book was fun and I like the main character, but I can see the formulaicity (is that even a word?) from a mile away. Nonetheless, it was fun summer reading.

By Michael Patrick MacDonald

This book knocked the wind out of me. Michael Patrick MacDonald writes his memory of growing up in Southie. Southie refers to the South Boston Projects where there was, and may still be, the country’s densest population of white people living in poverty. MacDonald describes gangland style crime, murder and drug use common to his neighborhood because of a the “We take care of our own” attitude and the inherent distrust of the Boston Police. To be fair, he also details just why the police were not trusted and why his friends and neighbors turned a blind eye to things they knew in their hearts were killing their brothers, sisters, sons and daughters. “Ma” MacDonald, an incredible sounding woman, suffered through the death of four of her nine children before she severed her ties with Southie. Michael Patrick himself, moved out but eventually found the strength to move back to Southie, “The best place in the world” in order to help the people he knew were still dealing with hurt from the past. My own experience with this book was an interesting one since I came to know Boston on different terms and have been aware of Southie, the gangs, the guns and the crime and sitting on top of it like king of the hill: Whitey Bulger, Southie’s own Irish mafia boss, for some time. I remember news reports about some of what was going on there, but as a kid growing up in New Jersey, Southie was an entirely different world. Which is why I picked this book up, to learn what it was like for one kid, not much older than I am, to grow up in such a world. Highly recommended.

By Hugh Laurie

This book was written by Hugh Laurie. Yep, THAT Hugh Laurie. And, perhaps not surprisingly, it was well worth the time spent reading it. Laurie’s sense of wit and timing are as professional in his writing as they are on stage. Reading the story was more like listening to someone tell it to you, a writing style which I personally enjoy quite a bit. He also embellishes the book with that simple English humor that is irresistible to those who can’t resist it, of whom I am one. Um, did that even make sense? Maybe not. Well, I would read this book again – it goes quickly and you’re bound to enjoy it no matter what type of books you prefer.

By Herman Melville, narrated by Paul Boehmer

I can’t decide if Herman Melville is a genius, an overzealous mariner or a sadistic bastard.

There are somewhere around 47,328 chapters in this book, 28,905 of which are descriptions of a specific aspect of the Sperm whale: what his skeleton looks like, what his teeth look like, what a whale-man can do with the teeth once they are extracted, how to tell a Sperm whale from a Right whale by the spouts, why the Right whale is not as glorious as the Sperm whale, how to tell other types of whales apart from other other types of whales, how to kill a Sperm whale, why one would want to kill a Sperm whale, how not to kill yourself while reading this book.

Okay, that last one was made-up but it would have helped a great deal round about chapter 67 when Ishmael starts talking about how proud he is of his spine (yeah, I’m not kidding about that part) Of the near-infinite chapters presented to the morbidly fascinated reader, approximately 10 of them deal directly with the plot of the story. I listened to this whole book on my drive to and from work each day. For the first 4 cds I considered turning it off but I had nothing else to listen to in it’s stead so I persevered because apparently, I’m stupid.

Four times. FOUR TIMES I almost fell asleep behind the wheel listening to the longest story ever told about whales. Right around disc 15 (in the 20 cd series) it started getting a little bit interesting. It seemed to me that everything had already been described that could possibly be described so he decided he had better get on with the story. Melville even explains (in bloody great detail) just exactly how whalers go about hunting, killing, and rendering the Sperm whale into useable bits. And, in all honesty, that part was a little bit interesting – stuff I didn’t know and never would have known if I had not been stupid enough to say “Hey, Moby Dick! That’s a classic! It’s got to be good, right?”

And it is! The ending was such a surprise to me. I even found myself in tears.

But I don’t recommend you read it – unless you have to for your Oceanography/English class detention.

By Alain de Botton

Have you been feeling down about yourself lately? Then I suggest you read this. Pretty much this book does what it says it is going to do. It was very quick to read and easy to understand. Plus, it makes it okay to not like pop starlettes (see the chapter on Artisitc Idolatry – very interesting concept)

Birds do not like me.

It’s true. I’m not making this up. Every time I try to assert this fact to other people I get one of two responses:

A. (while rolling eyes) “I think you’re imagining things.”

Or

B. “It must be the hair.”

It’s not the hair and I’m not making it up. Birds all over the world do not like me. I can’t prove it scientifically but I can, if given the opportunity, cite sufficient anecdotal evidence to convince most people that birds have it in for me.

It wasn’t always like this. I used to have a good rapport with all sorts of animals (except for ferrets and some cocker spaniels) When I was a kid we had a nice mallard couple, Eugene and Harriet, that adopted our house as their summer home. They would spend a few leisurely months each year quacking happily at our back door when they wanted to be fed. If you were not there they would waddle around to the front of the house and half-heartedly scold you for shirking your duties (but always in a polite and distinguished manner, as is the way with mallards) (more…)

I have discovered a fundamental law of the universe.

It deals with nicknames.

It goes like this:

You are not allowed to give yourself a nickname.
I know that sounds a bit simplistic and stupid but just think about it for a minute. It really IS that simple. If you are a human, over the age of 10, you just can’t get away with giving yourself a nickname. It won’t work.

Oh sure, you can try.

You can go to work tomorrow and say

Okay everybody! From now on I would like for you all to call me ‘Hustler’

You can, but it’s gonna backfire on you 

big time.

Your friends will look at you like you’re either on crack or insane. Asserting your sobriety/sanity will do you no good. Know why? Because your friends understand the repercussions of breaking the Universal Law of Nicknames even if you don’t.

They understand that you cannot break the ULoN without immediately becoming the lamest person in you social circle. And that’s including your extended social circle, Hustler. You had better believe that news of your new self-appointed moniker will travel well beyond those seven degrees of separation.

Kevin Bacon will never call you Hustler without having to suppress a giggle.  Let me s’plain:

YBF*: “Did you hear about John?”

KB**: “No what about him?”

YBF: “He wants everybody to start calling him Hustler!

KB: (giggling) “Oh my god, it’s probably because he thinks he’s smooth with the ladies. That’s so pathetic.”

YBF: “I know, tell me about it!”

* YBF= Your Best Friend
** KB= Kevin Bacon

And right about now someone out there is thinking “That is totally not true. I gave myself a nickname last year and everybody used it for a long time. In fact some people STILL use it.” To you I say:

No, you didn’t.

People that used your “nickname” did so in order to make fun of you for being lame – you just didn’t understand. They still use your nickname because they still think it’s funny that you don’t know how lame you are for breaking the ULoN.

Either that or the “people” using your nickname are otherwise known as your parents.

The Age Limit Caveat

The Caveat to this law is found in the age limit. If you are less than 10 years old and you would like to insist on people calling you “Mumbagoo the Malicious Martian” or “King Rodolfo the Kind” you are more than welcome and, in fact, highly encouraged by some sections of society.

“Kids will think up the darndest things!”

They’ll say, and secretly hate you for being creative enough to come up with a cool nickname and actually be able to make it stick. Then, when you grow up your mom will accidentally call you “Mumby” or some other truncated version of your noble childhood epithet in front you’re your friends and everyone will start calling you “Mumby” because they think it embarrasses you but deep down you think it’s still cool.

And really, you’re right.

Legal Name Change Rider

I should also include a bit about the Legal Name Change Rider. It goes like this:

If you were born “Jebediah Francis Peabody McNutter” but have found that “Dave Smith” works much better for making reservations and leaving telephone messages then you are entitled to legally change your name without any flack from friends or family.

The catch here is that your brand new name must have FEWER syllables than your old name.

Changing your name from “Jebediah Francis Peabody McNutter” to “Alabaster Fauntleroy LeShemp-Forsythe Cardinal” is just plain stupid and you should be shunned for at least as long as it takes for one of your remaining friends to come up with a suitable shortened version, like Shemp.

I hasten to add that this does not include adding on to your existing name i.e. through marriage or what-have-you. You go ahead and collect as many as you like, you’re only allowed to put so many on your driver’s license anyway.

Internet Clarification

One point of clarification:

You CAN give yourself a logon name or internet handle.

These names are not considered nicknames. “Smitty” is a nickname whereas “JohnSmith893” is not. However, be warned that you tread a fine line here. By insisting that people call you by your logon name when not actually on the internet you cross over that boundary and commit ULoN treason.

So how do you get a cool nickname?

Sadly, most of us go through this life without ever knowing the personal satisfaction of having a really cool nickname. I mean, there just can’t be that many “Silent Mike’s” and “Eddie the Butcher’s” in this world. But you can make a difference.

Get out there and start renaming your friends!

Keep trying until you find one that sticks. Don’t let them tell you that they hate it. It’s just not true. People love having a cool nickname. The nicest thing you can do for a friend is bestow upon them a nickname they can be secretly proud of when someone uses it.

To all my friends:

JBrian (aka JohnBrianJohnDeere aka Bigger guy)
Chica (aka Jimmy-jam aka Dixiebelle LaRue aka Her Majesty the Queen of Wallingford)
Amandapants
Furhead (aka asparagus-head)
Silent Mike
Lucky Larry (aka Grampa Lucky aka Lorenzo Affortunado)
Eddie the Butcher (aka City Boy aka Edwardo)
T-Dog (aka the Pyle-driver)
Fat Boy (R.I.P)
Sparky and his little brother Spike (aka Indiana)
Woowoo and Mr. Serious
Nearly Blind Larry
The A Team
The Evanator
Charlie-bear (R.I.P)
Psycho-Kate
Big Guy (aka Fatzu-Katzu)

Little Girl (aka Mousy-face)

Cheesecake Janice

Meatball Janis

and baby Catfish