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Honorable Katzuhiro-san,

While I understand that you have, of late, undergone an emotional and quite painful trip to the veterinarian, I think it is about time I brought some concerns to the family table.

I would like to begin by saying that you are, without a doubt, the most loving and, above all, dedicated cat I have ever in my life, had the privilege of knowing. You are a constant and trustworthy companion to me and I appreciate your firm belief that the world does actually revolve around my personal being. I would however, like to point out that this is sadly, untrue.

Alas, I am not the center of the universe.

I know, Katzu – it was hard for me to accept at first, but it is true. In the grand scheme of things, I am just not that important to this world. Sure, I am supreme ruler of the household, second only to the little one that cannot speak yet, but likes to command us all to do her bidding anyway. However, that’s not the point I am trying to make. (more…)

My dearest Wellington,

It has been nearly a year that you’ve been with us now.  And what a year it has been!

Firstly, I must say that you’ve been quite the trouper from the get-go. When I made the reservations for the annual all-family camping trip, I had to make them 9 months in advance to get a good camp site. If I had know you would be joining us for the trip I would have probably put it off for at least another month or two. But I did not know. And then you were a reality and our reservations weren’t until the next year and well, I didn’t really put it all together until May rolled around.

I waited and waited. But, as I have discovered with everything else, you were determined to do it your own way. By the time you made up your mind to join us, we only had two weeks left (Just so that we’re on the same page for future reference though sweetheart, an entire week is nowhere near “fashionably late”)

I figured that I could at least stay at your Grandma’s house and visit with the rest of the family at the campsite during the day. But, to my surprise, you were happy to be outside and quite comfortable sleeping in the tent. I worried my ass off and yet you slept soundly. (more…)

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Seriously?

The book was 498 pages long.

From pages 423 to 452 there is a bit about a fiend that wants to kill Isabella Swan because he is an actual blood sucking jackass vampire.

The rest of the story is all teen hormones and “oh-I-love-him/her-so-much-s/he-just-doesn’t-understand”

Don’t get me wrong now, the 13 year old girl inside of me has already read the book three times. But seriously Ms Hardwicke, for a book that is literally steeped in unrequited teenage, virginal-vampire suck-face there is surprisingly little actual falling in love happening in your movie.

There is a lot of brooding (as there is in the book so I guess, good on ya there). There is a surfeit of scenery and there is a virtual cornucopia of eyebrows.

And yet I remain confused as to how the characters go from”Oh, it’s that chicky again. I think I’m gonna throw up” to “You are my own personal brand of heroin” and never really sit down and get all dreamy with each other. I mean, how do they flirt through all the eyebrows? (more…)

Dear Catfish

It’s been about a year since I last wrote to you and I thought that, even though we live in the same house and all, there are things better communicated in a letter. “Write the good stuff down to remember it” and all that jolly rot (and not at all so that your father and I will have proof later on that I wasn’t making all this stuff up.)

So let me start off by saying that you are growing very fast into quite the young man. Your father and I are especially proud of how eloquent you have become. And just the teensiest bit curious about where you’re learning all of those phrases. Some I can pinpoint pretty easily, like the time you dropped your cup on the floor and started saying “Oh Jesus!” over and over until you were able to pick it back up (thanks go to daddy for that one) But where did

“That’s not a book! That’s SOUP!”

come from? You love to shout that at us randomly. We’re taking it in stride for now but should you decide to tell us, we’re both dying to know. As for “dying” I should probably point out that it is not necessary for you to shout

“I’M KILLING MY FATHER!!”

every time you get to jump on daddy be it in public or not. Some people don’t know you very well and it occasionally causes them some concern. Perhaps that’s one phrase we can just use at home?

No, I thought not.

Oh, and one more thing? It is a little embarrassing when you and mommy are out in public and you start yelling about how you NEED COFFEE at the top of your lungs. Admittedly, it secretly makes me proud to know that you recognize the importance of coffee in the structure of our daily lives. It’s just that other people tend to think that I actually let you drink coffee which is totally not true. I let G.G. feed you coffee as I sit aside and feebly admonish her for corrupting you. See how nicely that works out? Then she feeds us both cookies and we end up spoiling our dinner. But please don’t tell your dad that part because he works so hard to cook such lovely meals for us.

Well, okay, for me.

You have yet to eat one of his lovely meals preferring instead a steady diet of macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets and oranges. It is one of my greatest goals in life to get you to eat something green that is not ice cream-, frosting- or cookie-based.

As for the next major shake-up in our lives: yes, it is true, mommy is going to have a baby. I am sorry to have to be the one to break it to you. I tried to tell you gently so as not to hurt your feelings but I think I bunged that one up a bit because now, for some reason, you are convinced that you have a baby in your tummy. So now, if anyone asks if you are going to have a baby sister you tend to whip up your shirt, point to your belly and patiently explain that you already have a baby, why would we want another?

I’m not quite certain how I screwed that one up but I am quite certain that your perception of the world is going to change pretty drastically come May. We’re all a bit anxious to see how you will handle the newest addition. To be honest, I am not sure how mommy and daddy are going to deal with the change either but we’re excited to meet your new sister even if you don’t cotton to the idea right away. You have nothing to fear from a baby sister.

(Well, wait a minute. Mommy herself is a baby sister and that’s not exactly true. You should watch out for her fingernails if she gets mad. Especially if she’s going to have finger nails like mommy. If that’s the case, I would say you should definitely stay on her good side.)

But don’t you worry my sweet heart, you won’t ever be replaced in our hearts. Loving you any less would be an impossible feat and loving you more is an immutable outcome.

I love you dear.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

mommy