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Theoretical Step One:    Sterilize all equipment.

Actual Step One:    Wander aound the house looking for beer log, carboy, air lock and sanitizer. Swear lightly.

Step 1.5:    Give up trying to find old beer log, start new. Realize you are out of Iodide solution. Head back to brew supply store. Swear mildly.

Step 1.75:    Find out beer supply store doesn’t open until 10am. Swear at cat. Play Mafia wars for 20 minutes.

Step Two: Chat with beer store guy for a few minutes. Go home. Sanitize all equipment with newly purchased Idophor solution.

Step Three: Steep grains. Apologize to cat for swearing at her so much.

Step Four: Boil it up! Don’t forget the hops!

Step Five: Rig up the wort chiller. Turn on hose. Slowly flood kitchen. Swear at cat some more.

Step Six: Attempt to pour cooled wort into sterilized carboy. Spill wort all over freshly cleaned floor (see step Five.) Go find cat.

Step Seven: Pitch yeast. Bulk wort volume to 5 gallons using sterile spring water. Laugh as cat gets feet stuck on sticky floor.

Step Eight: Shake. Shake. Shake.

Step Nine: Airlock. Mop. Apologize again to the cat.

Step Ten: The cause of, and solution to, all the world’s problems.

The cause ...sitting next to the solution.

Incidentally, one of my top five of my all-time biggest fears. In order, they are:

1. Being possessed by the devil
2. Chucky (or: things that should not be animated, becoming animated)
3. Looking out a window at night and/or looking in a mirror in the dark
4. Super fast Zombies
5. Enormously huge hairy spiders

You know at the end of Time Bandits when the kid has just conquered the big bad guy in his Lego fortress and he’s zipped back to reality and his mom, amid the ruin and rubble of the house walks over to the smoldering oven and opens the door and all this sulfurous smoke pours out and in the middle of all the reek is a big black lump of something that looks like coal but the little kid knows better so he shouts at his mom

“Mum! Don’t touch it! It’s PURE EEEEEEVIIL!”

   But she doesn’t listen to him and touches it anyway then she is zapped out of existence?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure India is made of that stuff.