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6:18 – Whined for freedom.

6:20 – FREEDOM!

6:22 – Dog-food induced spasm.

6:26 – Whined to go out for a pee.

6:27 – Went out for a pee.

6:28 – Rolled in yard.

6:40 – Waited at baby gate for people to appear.

7:15 – Watched from window as Man  left with Boy and Girl. Whined.

7:35 – Pulled stuffing out of porch swing cushions.

8:00 – Tore batting out of swing cushion entirely.

8:20 – Walk

9:00 – Chewed bone

10:28 – Whined to go out for a pee

10:30 – Went out for a pee, did not go pee.

10:32 – Broke through baby gate as Lady was going pee.

10:33 – Chased around room.

11:07 – Tore ass through house after fly

11:08 – Started whining.

11:30 – Went for walk.

11:35 – Could not stop running with stick.

11:38 – Stopped running with stick.

11:39 – Resumed walk

11:50 – Home

11:55 – Kennel nap

13:05 – Lunch

13:45 – Stared intently at fly

13:47 – Tore ass around house trying to catch fly.

13:48 – Stared intently as Lady prepared and ate her lunch

14: 11 – Jumped around with carrot ends

14:12 – Whined to go out for a pee.

14:13 – Went out for a pee.

14:25 – Lady moved work outside to sit in sun (as per requested)

14:.26 – Lady untangled dog tie-out from under porch

14:27 – Whined for no reason

14:31 – Lady untangled tie-out from patio chairs.

14:32 – Lady untangled tie-out from her legs

14:35 – Escalated whining to scratching at gate,

14:36 – Lady made reservations for Doggy Day care on the 16^th

14:36 –Went under porch, whined and cried with renewed enthusiasm

14:38 – Lady untangled tie-out from stairs

14:40 – Cat-induced paroxysms

14:42  – Walk

15.02 – Drank

15:03 – Still drinking

15:18 – Fell on face chasing fly again

15:39 – Growled at a bunch of stuff.

15:42 – Doorbell induced paroxysms

15:42 – Levitated for 45 seconds in an effort to say hello to visitor. Visitor unimpressed.

15:43 – Canned-air induced cowering

16:10 – Flopped down for nap

16:19 – Growled at more stuff. Barked a bit

16:26 – Growled and barked at uppity crow.

16:42 – Flopped down for additional nap

16:48 – Unknown assailant shut back door – threw bone on floor several times to alert Lady.

16:48:30 – Back door still closed, rang door bells. Door did not open.

16:50 – Bit Lady on chin trying to say goodbye to visitor. Whined.

16:55 – Kennel nap.

18:11 – Followed Boy around, licked lips often. Bread was not forthcoming.

18:22 – Followed Girl around, licked lips often. Bread was not forthcoming.

18:25 – Licked all bread crumbs from kitchen chairs.

18:27 – Escaped into forbidden part of house while no one was looking

18:27:30 – Caught.

18:30 – Moped. Ate more stuff off floor.

18:32 – Stood next to fridge. Stared intently as Man made dinner. Licked lips enthusiastically.

18:37 –CARROT DOWN! YAHTZEE!

18:38 – Ate carrot.

18:39 – Stood next to oven. stared intently as Man made dinner. Licked lips enthusiastically.

18:41 – Moved to refrigerator, continued to stare. Food was not forthcoming.

18:43 – Developed suspicion of salami.

18:44 – No salami forthcoming.

18:45 – HUZZAH! TOMATO DOWN!

18:46 – Tried to eat tomato.

18:46:10 – Spit tomato on floor.

18:46:20 – Tried to eat tomato.

18:46:30 – Spit tomato on floor.

18:46:40 – Tried to eat tomato.

18:46:50 – Spit tomato on floor.

18:47 – Gave up on tomato.

18:48 – Licked Lady’s knee for 20 seconds. Food was not forthcoming.

18:49 – Licked other knee for same amount of time. Food still not forthcoming.

18:49 – Narrowly avoided canned-air induced cowering.

18:55 – Ankles not successful either.

19:08 – Got stuck under dinner table.

19:09 – Dog food induced paroxysms

19:11 – Licked dishwasher

19:11 – Stood under dinner table for eight minutes.

19:17 – Boy didn’t finish grilled cheese sandwich. JACKPOT! Eight minutes well spent.

19:17:05 – Returned to underside of dinner table. No more food forthcoming.

19:29 – Tried ankles again. No food forthcoming.

19:30 – Wandered aimlessly around kitchen. No food forthcoming.

19:34 – Whined to go out for a pee.

19:35 – Went out for a pee

19:36 – Staged protest against going inside.

19:36 – Forcibly removed to indoors.

19:47 – Snuffled. Every day I’m snufflin’

19:48 – Tore ass around house. Tried to kill crinkly bird. HE IS INVINCIBLE.

19:50  – Wandered aimlessly, flopped, snuffled, chewed.

21:00 – Found most inconvenient spot in kitchen to lay down. Passed out.

21:20 – Rousted to go out for a pee.

21:25 – Went out for a pee.

21:30 – PEANUT BUTTER AND KENNEL TIME!

21:35 – Passed out.

Every day I'm Snufflin'

A while back, I made the mistake of singing a drinking song in front of my children. It’s not that I was trying to teach them drinking songs. It’s more that I was singing one and someone under the age of 7 happened to be in the room.

That someone happened to like the song and requested I sing it again. I can’t says I blame him. It is quite a catchy tune.

And then, another someone requested I sing it for bed time. And, because there’s only so many times you can sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” before it starts to suck the soul from your body every time you wish upon it, I agreed.

I don’t remember when they learned all the call and response lyrics.

But I can’t begin to tell you how cute it is watching a three year old, in a Princess pajamas, shout “Lady’s Leg!” at the top of her little lungs.

That, right there, is comedic gold.

And, because I am a responsible parent, I even looked up an alternate ending in which Mae West does not end up naked.

1. Happiness in a marriage is inversely proportional to the square footage of the house. The bigger the house, the less love in the marriage.
2. Everyone owns a tractor.
3. Although the English Countryside is in a perpetual state of overcast, it actually rains less than three times a year.
4. Shiny lipstick and short hair is code for “I’m sleeping with someone else’s husband”.
5. Serial murders are common and considered part of the local ‘charm’.
6. Hippies are endemic to the English countryside.
7. There are no two-lane roads outside of London.
8. Drunk-driving laws are only enforced when it is necessary to ruin someone’s reputation.
9. The English are hardy people that never get cold. You can often find them sunbathing in overcast weather.
10. Adultery is more common in the English Country Village than cobblestones.
11. There are no parking lots. You are expected to simply stop in the middle of the street and leave your car where it stands.
12. Birds of the English countryside are particularly sensitive to crime. The will sing seconds before someone is murdered, no matter what time of day.
13. Everyone is legally required to own a Jack Russell terrier, Boarder Collie or Labrador Retriever. One out of every three dogs must be named Bosco (although Ripper is an acceptable substitute)
14. All villages are divided into four main factions: the Land Owners, the Devout, the Hippies and The Cynical Heirs That Only Want to Sell Up and Move to London.
15. Everyone has a criminal record from that Summer they lived in Spain.
16. No one is ever so crass as to murder for money.
17. One out of every five women in the village is required to obsess about local history and the fate of their own lineage.
18. Anyone that owns a red sports car must drive as fast as possible while shouting obscenities from the window at all times.

In the enthusiastic words of my son, today was the “best day ever!”

I must say, I have to agree.

Not only did we go shopping for new pants (who doesn’t love pants that fit?) but we also got new shoes, had lunch at his favorite restaurant (the dining room of the Top Foods) and then we went home and kicked some homework in the a$$ before kicking a m$%^@#-f*%&^ing board in half at Tae Kwon Do belt testing.

Wow, sorry about that. I’ve never been to belt testing before. It was pretty intense.

Anyway, what really started this day out on the right foot was a discovery Catfish made while getting himself breakfast. Apparently he poured himself some cold soy milk in the blue plastic cup. After a moment or so, he noticed that the blue cup had turned bright purple. He studied it carefully before coming to show me.

I think that’s weird. Don’t you think that’s weird?

The cup, I mean. Not the kid. (okay, maybe a little the kid, but he’s my kid, so it’s okay with me.) Think about that cup for a moment. We’ve had it for two years. Not once, in two years, has anyone noticed that it turns bright purple when you fill it with cold soy milk.

After making this important discovery, Catfish was compelled to share it and possibly get a second opinion on it. When he showed it to me, I got all excited because he was all excited. He wanted to dink around and figure out more stuff about the cup. Finally, an opening! Usually, if I try to inject some scientific reasoning into our conversations he just goes all silent and requests that I “stop trying to teach [him] things”.

I was also excited because it was, well…it was exciting. It’s like all this time we’ve owned what we assumed was a boring blue cup. But then Catfish discovered that it has latent magical powers! It was so cool. 

Together we decided that the cup must turn purple when it’s cold. Then we hypothesized that it would revert back to the original blue color when warm. Catfish decided to test the hypothesis.

I’m not going to lie to you, between 1:01 and 1:05, I almost cried. F’realz.

THAT’S MY BOY!